(France: Dynasty. Defeat. Dessert.)
~-~-~-~-~-~

It was a or an historic moment. On 18 June, 1815, a tactical faux pas in Waterloo, Belgium changed the course of European history forever. Yes, students, it was on that fateful day 200 years ago when, at the table of Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte, the unthinkable happened: the psychotic little shrimp’s waiter served white wine…with beef.

Fortunately, Napoleon, that nasty little King of Europe wannabe, was already whack-stick insane. So no real harm done. But it is interesting to note how much influence Monsieur Midget Monarch had on the culinary world as he waddled around the post-Antoinette continent in-between exiles.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~
A or An Historic Aside: faux pas is a French term that translates roughly as “fake dads.” This is not to be confused with faux mas, which translates as “Bruce Jenner.”
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Now, to be fair, 1815 was a tough year, everywhere. On 8 January, 1815, the Battle of New Orleans took place, an or a historic event that was named after a or an song sung by both Johnny Cash and the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~
An or Another Historic Aside: The Battle of New Orleans, though it was fought in 1815, was technically part of the War of 1812, which in fact had ended in 1814, but none of the combatants knew, possibly due to the fact that in 1813 a Bourbon Street bartender invented the Hurricane cocktail.
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

And then, on a cool June day in Belgium, a day that began with heavy rains, Napoleon Bonaparte met his water in Matchloo. (Or maybe it was “met his match in Waterloo.” Don’t quote me on the details – my French interpreter is off celebrating something she calls Bastille Day. I have no idea what Bastilles are, but she celebrates them just about every Friday. Some weekends, the Bastilles get her so worked up that she has to call in sick on Monday.)

Anyway, somewhere in some Belgium field in 1815, Napoleon’s second European tour ended. (The opening act was Fleetwood Mac, who by 1815 had already been doing “farewell” tours for years.)

And it’s because of the battle of Waterloo (and Napoleon’s other failed real estate deals) that we now enjoy some of our favorite tasty delights:

• Beef Wellington
• Belgian Waffles
• Liberté-range chicken (literal translation: McNugget de poulet)

As you already know — unless you’re in public school and you’re sitting there texting instead of paying attention so you can go to college and accumulate massive loan debt — the very concept of “canning” came from Napoleon’s efforts to feed his armies as they libertéd their way around Europe. In fact, the itty-bitty imperator is credited with coining the expression “An army marches on its stomach,” an awkward maneuver which may help explain why they got dope-slapped at Waterloo.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~
A or An Historic Aside: Legend has it that the Tom Cruise-sized tyrant added other phrases to our modern lexicon, too, including “ne demande pas” (literal translation: Why is my hand in my jacket? I have an éclair taped to my chest, that’s why.) and “vers le bas devant!”. (literal translation: Down in front!)
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Napoleon is also directly or indirectly responsible for several other recipes, too, according to the universally respected food encyclopedia, “Larousse Gastronomique” (literal translation: Big Fat Fatty).

As an example, I give you Chicken Marengo, so christened to commemorate Napoleon’s victory in 1800 over an Austrian army in the rustic Italian village of Chicken Marengo. After the battle, according to Big Fat Fatty, Little Nappy’s troops were ravenous (then, as now, a guy can work up quite an appetite aerating Austrians), so the on-duty chef rustled up some grub based on whatever he could scavenge from the village: chickens, tomatoes, olives, day-old Domino’s pizza. Napoleon was reportedly so delighted with the dish that he changed his gender from dwarf to Rita Moreno.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~
A or An Historic Aside: Big Fat Fatty says the recipe may also include crayfish and fried eggs, though agronomic experts contend it’s highly unlikely that Italians in the early 1800’s were already growing fried eggs.
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Then, of course, there’s the Napoleon, a ridiculously rich layered French pastry that’s actually taller than the guy it’s named for. Also known as the mille-feuille (literal translation: about a million calories), the popular dessert helped to usher in two widespread culinary concepts:

• Haute cuisine
• Type 2 diabetes

Some say the Napoleon wasn’t named for Napoleon at all, though it strains credulity that it might have been named after Fleetwood Mac.

Big Fat Fatty holds that the pastry was likely created by one Antonin Careme, the chef considered the father of modern French cuisine, who is also credited with making the soufflé popular, which I suppose is possible, especially in a country where people eat snails.

Careme also invented the toque, that puffy white stovepipe hat that chefs still wear today so they won’t get confused with waiters and be asked to grind fresh pepper.

And finally, another delish attributed to Emperor My-Kingdom-For-A-Shetland-Pony is Lobster Thermidor (literal translation: because plain ol’ lobster wasn’t overpriced enough). Basically it’s grilled lobster, sliced, seasoned and served in the shell, so I hate to even bring it up. But I’d never be able to look myself in the mirror again if I didn’t point out this line from a 1903 recipe:

Glaze lightly in a hot oven or under the salamander.

See, that’d be my luck. I’d be the French restaurant employee responsible for pre-heating the newt.