(Syllogisms, polite fish, and bunk)
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This week, large chunks of America have been assaulted by a brutal heat wave, or, as we like to call it here in the American South, “summer.”

(For some reason, when winter comes along, we don’t get cold waves: we get cold snaps, or cold fronts. Conversely, we never have heat snaps or hot fronts, unless you’re on fire. I don’t know why hot and cold can’t use the same vocabulary. Congress could look into it … and they probably will.)

And so, in an effort to not melt, I’ve been staying indoors, blasting the air conditioner to help ensure my local power company executives can make their boat payments. And it was while surfing my 7,000+ “bundled” TV channels that I learned about the mirror test.

According to very smart people who go to work every day wearing coats with plaid elbow patches and white shirts with a name tag and a pocket protector, human beings are one of the few lifeforms on Earth that can recognize themselves. That ability, of course, is critical for a species obsessed with breeding millions of pouty-duck-lipped selfies. (Self-recognition is how they know where to point the phone.)

But there is a short list of other creatures that the very smart people think might have the ability of visual self-recognition, unless they’re Emperor penguins, who don’t stand a chance. And the tool of choice to determine such an ability is “the mirror test.”

Humans, as it turns out, develop the facility to recognize themselves in a mirror at about eighteen months; coincidentally, this is also the age when kids start seriously misbehaving (apparently, the embarrassment gene gets developed later).

The reasoning behind the mirror test is that with self-recognition comes self-awareness, morals, and the restraint required to not dope-slap stupid people. And when an entity becomes self-aware, it begins to empathize with the feelings of other people, unless it’s a Schwarzenegger cyborg sequel, in which case it instead begins killing other people, and speaking Spanish with an Austrian accent.

Here’s how the mirror test works:

• Researchers buy, or borrow, a mirror
• They spend the next several weeks trying to get animals to look in the mirror, without the researchers getting mauled or eaten
• They take detailed and staggeringly dull notes (trust me)
• They watch for one of five responses (stay tuned)

After the subject animal has gotten used to the mirror (whatever that means), the researchers will attempt to stick a colored dot on the animal, in a spot that can only be seen in the mirror. If the subject animal reacts, like noticing the dot in its reflection and trying to scratch the dot off of itself, that means the animal recognizes itself in the mirror and is subsequently given a smart phone and a facebook account.

Here at the University of Weekly Humor Columnists, we challenge some of the very smart people’s conclusions as syllogistic, a $64 word which is as fun to say as it is to type. More on that later.

Researchers depend on one of five response characteristics to help determine if a subject animal has failed the mirror test:

• Indifference: the subject animal could care less about the “other” animal, as if the subject animal were extremely rich, or a tenured Federal employee
• Curiosity: the subject animal grabs its phone and starts Googling “doppelganger”
• Fear: the subject animal distrusts the uninvited visitor and blames President Trump’s racism
• Seduction: a sign that the subject animal is transitioning to one of California’s 74 recognized genders
• Aggression: the subject animal dope-slaps the stupid mirror

Here’s a partial list of some species that have passed the mirror test: elephants, gorillas, dolphins, orcas, magpies, and Hillary Clinton. (For the record, nine researchers died while trying to stick a red dot on Hillary.)

Some scientists suggest that ants are self-aware, based on mirror test results, and the fact that fifteen percent of an ant’s body mass is its brain. Fifteen percent! Imagine that. In other words, if Hillary was an ant, her brain would require its own pantsuit, and might run against her for President.

The most recent self-awareness candidate is a corral reef fish named Labroides dimidiatus, better known as the cleaner wrasse, but – let’s be serious – not much better known. The cleaner wrasse is a “symbiotic groomer,” meaning it survives by eating other fish’s parasites, as if it were Bernie Sanders with gills.

Interestingly, most cats pass the mirror test, but dogs fail (although the cats could be lying). One dog apologist points out that dogs didn’t get a fair trial because they’re much more dependent on smell than sight, and mirrors don’t smell, except in gas station bathrooms.

But for researchers to make the general claim that reactions to a mirror reflection can make an elephant obey the law is a bit of a stretch. That “if this than that” stretch, some would say, is a syllogism.

Basically, a syllogism is an instance of illogical logic, like calling members of Congress “public servants.” To commit a syllogism, two statements are made, a “major premise” and a “minor premise,” and then, based on them both, a (usually stupid) conclusion is drawn.

Here’s an example of a syllogism:

• Dogs have four legs
• Rover is a dog
• Therefore, Rover has four legs

(Unfortunately, a few dog years ago, Rover achieved self-awareness, got hired as a welder, and shortly thereafter was involved in an industrial accident. Rover’s legs are now a prime number.)

Here’s another:

• You believe something
• President Trump believes something else
• Therefore, President Trump is a racist

(This is often referred to as the CNN paradox.)

So … the next time you make a plan to scuba dive in a coral reef, don’t forget to be civil to the all those well-mannered cleaner wrasse. Remember – fish are people, too.

And bring a mirror.