(Want weird? As always, Florida delivers.)
~-~-~-~-~-~

If you’ve ever tried writing a humor column, every nagging week, nagging week in and nagging week out, over time you come to know and appreciate some new concepts: things like masochism, self-inflicted hobby, and “potentially libelous.” No need to thank me … it’s the price we pay for sharing.

You’ll also discover, as a dogged hunter of humor, that some weeks on the job are easier than others. Certainly, there are boom times: some stories practically beat down your front door, shrieking to be shared, such as:

• An ad for bed sheets touts “$60 off your first order!” You know what “$60 off” tells me? It tells me the bed sheets cost north of $60. And you know what that tells me? It tells me I’m not buying those sheets.
• There are now more Democrats running for President in 2020 than there are actual Democrat voters in Ohio, even if you include the Ohio voters who don’t really live in Ohio, or who are dead.
• A man in Vermont heard noises in his kitchen and, investigating, discovered a woman he’d never met, busily cleaning his kitchen. So, naturally, they had sex (I don’t know that for a fact, but if I found a woman cleaning my kitchen for free, well, you know…I’d at least offer). The woman had apparently been dropped off at the wrong house, but when asked, she didn’t know the address of the right house. So she’s clean and clueless. I think I’m in love.
• And by the way…speaking as a single guy, why would somebody ever buy a second set of sheets? Heck, I’ve been using the same shower curtain since before the Beatles broke up.

However, at other times, a trolling-for-topics week can be a collection of what news hounds refer to as a “slow news day.” It’s easy to spot a slows news day: just watch for an uptick in the amount of time Fox News’ weather reporters spend asking people on the sidewalk where they’re from. (Every year, evidently, thousands of people travel to the Big Apple just to stand on the sidewalk outside of Fox News, hoping to get noticed by Aunt Gertrude at home.)

Not to worry, topic chasers. On those doldrum days, when weird wants to hide, you can always depend on the other Old Faithful: Florida.

In Florida, the weirdness well never runs dry.

According to a police report, a woman living in the city of Palmetto, Florida, stabbed herself three times in the belly because…wait for it…she’s tired of President Trump. When police found her standing outside her apartment and asked what was wrong, she allegedly lifted her shirt to show the wounds. (“Allegedly.” I guess the Palmetto police force takes a strong stance on shirt-lifting.)

Florida has something called The Baker Act, a 1971 statute that allows authorities to involuntarily institutionalize people who do unusual things, like attack themselves, or binge-watch bass fishing shows. As it turns out, the woman who self-ventilated her tummy had been “Baker Acted” before.

I wonder if she cleans kitchens.

By the way, the city of Palmetto’s website wants us all to know that soon they’ll be conducting smoke testing of Sewer System #1, but then in mid-sentence they lapsed into Spanish, so I have no idea when it will be safe to inhale.

In a possibly related story, a woman in nearby St. Pete was arrested last week for bringing a brace of machetes into an axe-throwing bar, and I’m pretty sure those exact words have never, in the history of literature, been used in that exact order. That’s the kind of stuff Old Faithful East can deliver.

According to local media reports, the St. Petersburg version of a fun night out is to go to Axe & Ale, suck down many adult beverages, and then start heaving axes at a completely innocent wall. (Don’t be too quick to judge – remember, the leading entertainment option in Orlando involves a giant rodent.)

Given what they do for a living, the Axe & Ale staff can’t have a huge list of no-no’s, but one of them is that you’re not allowed to bring your own weapons, as though the bar were an uppity kindergarten in Texas. So when Very Armed Lady walked in wielding two machetes, the bouncers knew they were in for a long night. Then, as an ice-breaker, the pre-armed patron began scraping the machetes together and sharing with the crowd that she’d killed over 100 people, probably with thoses machetes, but it’s Florida, so who knows.

Fortunately, at that point, one glaze-eyed regular tried to hit on her. Machete Woman realized she’d been out-crazied, thought things over, and decided to leave the Axe & Ale for other entertainment options. On her way out, she thanked the manager, and threatened to kill him if anybody followed her outside.

According to one report, she and her long knives were last spotted heading into the Everglades to gig some gators.

One quick St. Petersburg Civil Update: No mention of any pending smoky sewer tests. Feel free to breathe normally.