Theirs No They’re There

(Life in a guilt-free zone)
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Years ago, in a humor column titled Know Your Blood Typo, I introduced you to an imaginary woman named Spelladonna. Yes, I was taking pain medications at the time, but let’s not get distracted by healthcare here.

If I may quote:

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Spelladonna is not necessarily a female. I refer to Spelladonna as “her” for purely economic reasons: I created her, and I created this humor column, and I’m not getting paid much for either. But that’s okay. Solid ground-breaking research like mine often goes unappreciated.

Spelladonna is a moron. She can’t count. She can’t spell, punctuate, or otherwise construct a cogent sentence. She types or says things that stop you dead in your tracks, like this emailed classic: “I did the account from scratch and Walla! It works!”

Maybe it’s not her fault. Maybe Spelladonna was raised in Voila Voila, Washington.

Spelladonna proofreads nothing. She has no concept of context, she knows nothing of nuance. She can’t distinguish between to, too, and two, nor between their, there, and they’re. She is blissfully unburdened by the yoke of intelligence. Spelladonna thinks “scrod” is the past-tense of “screw.”

Spelladonna would have to study to pass an eye exam.
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We’ve all known a Spelladonna. Now, here’s a bitter truth: at one time or another, we’ve all been Spelladonna. We’ve all been guilty of not spell-checking, or grammar-checking, or just not caring. One guy even told me, and I quote, that “spelling dont count on facebook.” Obviously, I had to take his life.

And, based on the head-shakers we’re forever being served up by the news, not only is this contagion of sloppiness spreading – we’re also seeing a frightening uptick in just plain silly.

To try and make my point, here are some observations on our culture (such as it is) as dished up by the network news & online media … such as it is.

Everything you’re about to read is true. Or should be.

As far as you know.

  • This just in: earlier today, a fully gruntled employee entered a downtown business building, where he cheerfully greeted ten coworkers and complimented several more. No police were called, but they were still criticized for not showing up sooner.
  • Headline: HEAVY RAINFALL RESPONSIBLE FOR MIDWEST FLOODING. And still, some people say that meteorologists are just winging it.
  • The current count of 2020 Democrat Presidential candidates is now a number which can only be represented using the “x to the power of y” construct. Therefore, the Democrat National Convention is having to relocate to the University of Michigan stadium, which seats 107,601, all of whom will be in front of you when you go for a Coke.
  • Due to the horde of contenders, the first Democrat debate will be held on MSCNNBC and is scheduled to last for 11 months, or until Hillary returns from the bathroom, whichever comes first.
  • Spelling errors confuse me. In these latter days of ubiquitous computers and online media, you practically have to make a conscious effort not to use a spell/grammar checker. Yet we still see comments online like “he don’t know English,” and “today’s action by the Weighs and Means Committee,” and my personal favorite, the irony-dripping comeback fail, “your stupid.”
  • Last week in America, 130 million registered gun owners didn’t shoot anybody. President Trump, who is not guilty of Russian collusion, will be blamed for the lack of violence.
  • Hollywood, Disney, and Netflix are threatening to boycott the state of Georgia because Georgia doesn’t like abortions. I suppose Netflix’s nefarious plan is to deny any Smokey and the Bandit downloads.
  • Sign at an optometrist’s office: “Free rectal photography with every Eye Test.” That’s novel. Imagine how they go about testing your hearing. You probably have to supply a bar stool sample.
  • Scientists have confirmed a tragedy I’ve known for a while: when playing Spades online, the amount of your wager is inversely proportional to the intelligence of your partner.
  • Excerpt from a co-worker’s email: “I have a doctors apt. this morning. Should take long.”
  • Comment from a Quality Assurance professional: “Once this change is check and we fill speed has not been affect we may can release it.”
  • And another: “Separate features was tested. So this once is complete.”
  • One more, that dips into time travel: “I have a document I am going to attached with the what I found tomorrow.”
  • This just in: Scientists have determined that so-called miracle diets are imaginary objects, like Geraldo Rivera’s resumé, and Joe Biden’s campaign strategy.
  • Finally, there’s this: according to Wikipedia, Gun ownership is “the act of owning a gun.” Well, thanks for that. I wonder what “hot water” means.

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