(Life in a guilt-free zone)
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Let’s be honest. If you’re a single guy like me, you’re probably used to apologizing for (or at least, regretting) a lengthy list of social or fashion faux pas. (faux pases? faux passes? five pas?)

And unless you’re a career single guy – someone of advanced age who’s just given up the fight and donated his ego to a Goodwill store – you dread the next pas.

Again, let’s be honest. Every one of us non-attached, non-coached, non-monitored single guys have been guilty of oopses, from blurting “I didn’t know you were pregnant!” to a non-pregnant woman, to showing up for a job interview wearing two socks from color palettes that only exist in parallel universes.

So, I’m constantly crowing about any dumb stuff that I didn’t do. And in a gesture of single guy solidarity, here’s a list of such. Keep hope alive, guys.

• Last week, at a three-story office park I frequent, there was yellow “Out Of Order” tape pasted over one of the elevators…but only on the second floor. Imagine that meeting.
• Single guys at the grocery need a translator to navigate the minefield of expiration dates. Nebulous caveats like BEST BY [DATE], SELL BY [DATE], and BEST IF USED BY [DATE] don’t provide the advice we need: EAT BEFORE [DATE] OR DIE.
• There’s a company that’s selling marijuana-infused popcorn and they refuse to see the irony.
• After running out of users’ personal information to sell, facebook is now selling the actual users to human traffickers. Perhaps not surprisingly, the traffickers have returned most of the facebook users. LOL.
• Based on the spam I delete every day, I am constantly disappointing thousands of hot Asian women.
• Grumpy Cat, online media’s meme star extraordinaire, has died following complications from getting photographed several million times, and forever being mistaken for Marlon Brando.
• The 2020 Democrat horde of candidates for President is approximately the same headcount as Eisenhower’s troops in Europe. And the most popular candidate in the “Diversity Party’s” lineup is an old white guy. And the old white guy is currently way ahead of the second most popular Presidential hopeful. He’s an old white guy, too.
• To be fair, several of the trailing candidates are running on a platform centered around eliminating cattle flatulence. So don’t be too quick to judge the white guys.
• The actor selected to be Batman in the next Batman reboot was a once sparkly vampire. Bet you never thought you’d be missing Ben Affleck.
• The eight-year hit, Game of Thrones, arguably Home Box Office’s most successful show ever, finally slogged to an end this week when, in the final episode, a sexually potent dwarf grabbed a mace and pummeled the ratings to death.
• According to TV, there’s a miracle garden hose you can buy that never kinks, and causes housewives to grin uncontrollably. For guys, there’s a pair of amazing glare-defeating driving glasses that makes you both grin and nod your head.
• North Carolina law now states that once you consent to sex, you can’t change your mind, so alleged rape no longer is. That’s like saying once you speed, you’re not allowed to slow down.
• McDonald’s buys rib meat, then takes out the ribs, then stamps the meat in a machine to make it look like it has ribs. That’s disturbed thinking.
• California’s state budget is in trouble because they’re not selling enough legal pot; on the other hand, whoever thought up that budgeting plan had to be high as a kite.
• Donald Trump should be impeached, says the Diversity Party. Apparently, the historical list of enumerated, impeachable ‘high crimes and misdemeanors’ includes “being really disliked a whole lot.”
• There’s now a group of whiners who want to get rid of Mother’s Day and replace it with “Appreciation Day.” I suppose this is a gesture of support for people who weren’t born.