(A little clutter clear-out)
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I don’t know about you (I barely know about me), but at least once a year I have to shove a garden hose in my ear and flush out all the odd, lingering “Did you ever notice?” thoughts that plague me. You know, odd stuff you hear, or see, or see people do, or hear that people did.
I personally choose to do it every Spring. Hey, it beats vacuuming.
So, here we go…
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When sour cream expires, does it go good?
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I know a guy who’s a hyperchondriac. He’s always afraid he’s well.
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There’s something about sports championship games that makes people order pizza. Does pizza delivery spike during league bowling playoffs?
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How do all these filthy rich members of African royal families keep getting my email address?
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I knew a drummer in high school who cheated on his girlfriend. He caught stereonucleosis. It scared his parents half to clef.
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There’s a committee in Congress called the House Intelligence Committee. I’m guessing it’s really, really small. There’s another called the House Oversight Committee.
It’s huge.
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Why do geese always sound like flying hurts?
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Why do companies bother us with the boast “we’re the first and only!” If you’re the only, then by definition you’re also the first. On the other hand, maybe you’re the only one left. Maybe you killed off all the other ones.
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I wonder who invented the machine that sticks the Chiquita label on every. single. banana.
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Somewhere out there, there’s a bunch of email spammers who are absolutely convinced I’m dying to get involved with drones, Russian women, and Keto. I don’t know who Keto is, but if he’s a hot Asian chick with a toy plane, he’s in good company.
One of the Democrats running for President heard that Trump was spotted scratching his head. The candidate then accused President Trump of keloiding with the Russians.
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Ever had to go to a meeting where the purpose of the meeting was to talk about a meeting? I believe Dante included that in Hell, Level Three, right below “stuck on the tarmac for several hours while seated next to a woman with a scalp condition and an emotional support chihuahua.”
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I know a really lazy musician. He bought a guitar sit.
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As I write this, it’s National Beer Day in the United States. This would be a good day to not drive. I bet National Beer Day is responsible for many tragic incidents that begin with the expression, “Hey, y’all. Watch this.”
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Recently in Bangladesh, a pregnant woman gave birth. That’s hardly news; in fact, it happens all the time, particularly among pregnant women. But a month later, this particular pregnant person gave birth again. To twins. From a second womb. She had two, um, uteruses? Uterusses? Uteri? A pair of uterus? See, she had a uterus, and then next to it, she had another uterus.
Doctors say that, while rare, the condition of having more than one uterus is not unheard of; in fact, the technical term for such a state is really expensive date.
Anyway, she gave birth twice within one month, once from each womb. I’m no expert, but I’m guessing she has multiple boyfriendii.
Bernie Sanders demanded she give a uterus to somebody that has less. Caitlyn Jenner cleared his or her throat.
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I wonder how much money American pharmacy chains spend every year on tiny little staples?
One of the Democrats running for President heard that Trump’s limo ran into a Russian tank. The candidate then accused President Trump of colliding with the Russians.
The House Intelligence Committee then demanded to see Trump’s tacks returns.
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Recent research shows that cats, like dogs, actually recognize their own names when you call them. We just never knew it, because cats just refuse to acknowledge it. That’s because they’re cats.
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According to the latest update from CreepyOldMen.com, career smiler Joe “Tourette’s” Biden has now been accused of groping eleven hundred women, two cats, and a Volvo.
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“I see a red door and I want it painted black.”
Why?
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