(Enough already.)
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Okay, America. I think it’s time. We’ve put this off far too long, and the situation only gets worse the longer we let it go on. It’s time to let England go.

We were able to handle swapping pounds and pence for dollars and cents. We managed to let go of the metric system, mostly because nobody could say “Brady and the Patriots are facing a tough third down and centimeters” with a straight face. We got rid of that whole “royalty” thing, except for the Kennedys.

We’ve successfully replaced an afternoon’s “high tea” with “happy hour” (Special TV playroom. Bring the kids!). In fact, tea in general has given way to coffee, since Starbucks flatly and firmly refused to peddle a “Double Grande Pumpkin Spice Earl Gray” for only eighteen dollars.

And now it’s time to close the circle. Yes, America – it’s time to stop pretending that we still speak English. We don’t, and we haven’t for some time.

Americans no longer speak English. Americans speak, um, American…and not very well.

For example, a perfectly allowable sentence these days could be: Americans speak, like, American and stuff lol.

That’s, like, sad and stuff imo.

So, let’s no longer burden England with our deviations, out of simple respect for the proud kingdom that gave us William Shakespeare, Charles Dickens, and Benny Hill.

Good. Then that’s, like, settled and stuff.

For those among you reading this who don’t live in America, we’ve put together a handy glossary of common Americanisms and their definitions, as far as you know. We hope you find it helpful, but you should still stay home. Don’t come over here. We’re full, thanks very much.

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Common Americanistic Expressions And, Like, Stuff

Do
In England, it’s a verb describing an action. In America, it’s a woman’s haircut.

Die
In England, a verb describing the release of a soul into the unknown. In America, what happens to any movie starring Gérard Depardieu.

Die Hard
In America, an obvious threat, describing the release of yet another Bruce Willis sequel. In the latest release, Die Hard CCVIX, detective John McClane will face his evil grandchildren, which will be born, eventually, according to the ominous soundtrack.

Freeway
An extended, staggeringly dull stretch of highway, invented by Dwight Eisenhower, in order to create a chain of restaurants known as Cracker Barrel.

Ask
Originally, in England, this was a nice verb. In American business, it’s now a noun, as in, “The customer’s most recent ask must be delivered by March.” This is a sign that civilization is nearly over.

Squoutna
A common brevity used to describe a suggestion. Examples: “Let squoutna yard” or “Grandpa, let squoutna canoe!” Sadly, it’s sometimes used by raging psychotics, as in, “Lock and load, Lucy. Let squoutna blaze of glory.”

Jeet
An interrogative relating to dining. Example: “Jeet yet?” Response: “No, jou?”

Word
This is often a complete sentence. I still don’t know what it means.

Double Down
Originally intended to describe the act of doubling one’s bet when playing Twenty-One at a casino, this has become a furiously misused expression by the American media to describe a politician boasting more than once. Not that that ever happens.

Bless his heart
Often invoked in the American South, “bless his heart” is a polite euphemism for “what an idiot.” A common usage might be, “Aw, look. Bobby hit himself in the face with a shovel. Bless his heart.”

I did not have sex with that woman
Literal translation: I had sex with that woman

Below Dealer Cost!
Oh, don’t be an idiot.

Dreckly
A twist on “directly,” generally used by elders to signify that something you already asked about will take place soon, so stop bothering me about it. Bless his heart.

Queen
Britain, you probably don’t want to know.

Dope
Depending on the context, dope might mean information, or drugs, or “very good.” So if you know a great drug dealer, you might say, “Yo. If you’re interested, I have dope dope on dope dope.”

Yo
An abbreviated way of saying, “Hello, fellow citizen with whom I am acquainted.” Or, if your family is very poor, yo could mean half a toy.

Trump
In a card game, it’s an attempt to override a suit. In politics, it’s an attempt to overthrow a suit.