(…or want to…)
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Early morning, in the elevator lobby of a local business park, I noticed the wall panel torn loose below the chair rail and the Wet Floor warning cone, and thought “leak.”

Oh, no. No, no.

“Well, see, an escaped mental patient from the hospital tried to hide in that wall from the police.”

I’m pretty sure that those words, in the long history of talking, have never been strung together in that exact order. And I was there to see it.

The bad part is that it was barely seven AM, and after witnessing the birth of that sentence, I’d already peaked for the day.

Sadly, as the world gets more and more weird, It gets harder and harder to imagine anything that no person would ever do or say. I don’t know if global warming is really raising the level of Earth’s oceans, but global weirdness if definitely sucking up the planet’s pool of sarcasm.

But let’s give it a try.

Things You Never Hear

• I know I’m just a sales clerk, but trust me: you’re way too wide to wear that dress.
• “Laughing out loud.” No human has ever said those three words on their own … ever. People just abbreviate it (lol) over and over and over in electronic messages because, apparently, it’s too hard to spell “ha ha.” lol.
• We don’t care that you’re always late. Here’s your bonus.
• Now, with more fat and less flavor!
• You’re paying way too much in taxes. Here – keep this.
• Yes. Floor mats are included. And no delivery charges!
• Here at General Motors, we’ve decided that last year’s cars were good enough. We’re not going to release a bunch of “re-envisioned” models this year.
• Ah. So you didn’t mean to speed? Okay, then. Never mind. Have a nice day.
• Usually, yes. But you make Mom jeans look sexy.
• Okay, Sunday, I fixed the leak in your roof. There’s no charge.
• The history department needs to start hiring a few more conservative professors.
• No, if you buy two, you won’t save. If you buy two, you’ll spend twice as much. See how it works?
• In my decades-long career, that is without a doubt the most attractive fever blister I’ve ever seen.
• CNN called. They say they’d rather wait till all the facts are in.
• I don’t care if you’re not rich. I love you.
• Marketing, stop calling it “Burnt Colorado Sunrise.” The car is orange. It’s an orange car.
• Guacamole? Sure. No charge.
• Okay, I had sex with the intern. But I had to. She brought me a pizza.

Things You Never Want To Hear

• Okay, I had sex with the intern. But I had to. She brought me a pizza.
• Well of course I washed my hands. I’m a surgeon, aren’t I?
• Para Ingles, marque dos.
• No, your mobile home insurance policy doesn’t cover ferret damage.
• I’m sorry, but that member of our law firm is now serving hard time.
• Oh, you want the tires on the car.
• This is your cellmate, Slash. He likes to dance. Don’t ever touch his scalp.
• Nurse, what the heck is that?
• President Ocasio-Cortez, please raise your right hand and repeat after me. No, your right hand.
• Your ferret has rabies.
• Your honor, I never touched, um, some of those women.
• If that doesn’t clear up or fall off your neck by your next appointment, I’ll have to refer you to a specialist.
• Seriously? You actually paid for that haircut?
• Folks, thanks again for flying with us. We’ll be landing in just a few mi … Oh. My. God.
• Bad news, Bob. Your wives met.
• Yes, your mobile home insurance policy covers ferret damage. Unless the ferret has rabies.

Things You Could’ve Sworn You Heard

• Well, of course your vote counts.
• Start every day by eating a big, healthy breakfast, with lots of bacon, eggs, and milk!
• That internet thing’ll never catch on.
• One nation, under God.
• Don’t worry. That breed never bites.
• I did not have sex with that woman.
• We’ll never share any of your personal data without your consent.
• The government cannot take away your gun.
• And it comes with a bumper-to-bumper warranty.
• This weekend, I’m gonna fix that.