(Welcome to upotia! Oops.)
~-~-~-~-~-~
Lewis Black is one of my favorite stand-up comics and social commentators. Once upon a performance, he said to an audience, “I don’t know why I bother doing this anymore. I could just walk out on stage, hold up a newspaper, then say, ‘Thank you, and good night.’”
More and more, Citizen Black is spot on. Speaking as a (much less qualified) humorist, I’m finding it ever harder to make a point by making up stupid scenarios, because no matter how bizarre my idea, it seems some idiot somewhere is actually doing it.
For example: what if I were to say, as a joke, that some political professionals are deeply concerned about cow flatulence. You might scoff, unless you’ve ever met the US Congress. You might laugh, if you were my Dad, or my other fan. Or, if you took me seriously, you might call me a liar (see US Congress).
“What’s even crazier,” I might then quip, “these politicos also intend to end all commercial air travel within just ten years.” You’d likely say, “Barry, now you’re talking like an idiot.”
Well, you’re half right. Let’s meet the idiot.
Her name, as far as you know, is Flicka Occasional-Cortex, though I might’ve made part of that up (see Lewis Black). This former bartender is now a freshperson Congressperson (we can’t say man or woman anymore) from New York, the State where that famous Puerto Rican Jewish life-long Yankees fan, Hillary Clinton, lives. Like most career liberals, Flicka has an oddly-shaped skull. We don’t know what that keeps happening in American politics, but like Lewis Black, we’re just here to report the news.
Many US corporations who dare to make a profit have large round helicopter landing pads on their corporate rooftops. I’m not saying the Occasional-Cortex has huge eyes, but more than one chopper has tried to land on her face. And she is, shall we say, well endowed with dentate matter – her teeth look like something President Trump would want to use to build a border wall. The woman looks like the forgotten love child of a mating between Marty Feldman and Mr. Ed. Get Flicka a set of tooth guards and some caffeine, and BOOM — she’s a Roomba.
Bernie Sanders, on the other hand, always looks like he just bit into a bad oyster. And Elizabethan “Fauxcahontas” Warren Harding Sitting Bull Butter can’t shut up long enough for anyone to capture a photo of her face at rest.
At last count, there were approximately 1,200 additional Presidential hopefuls suiting up for the 2020 election, including perennials like Joe “Cussin’ Joe” Biden, who recently made history by managing to rank first and second in the People We Wish Would Just Go Away Already poll. There are also some new faces, including one guy named “Beto,” which I thought was a wheat allergy.
As of today, Hillary “It’s Mine, I Tell You!” Clinton hasn’t officially announced, but we know she’ll eventually pantsuit up for the big game because her internal organs are still generating enzymes (and that’s one of the highlights on her resumé).
At any rate, this growing Coalition of the Oddly-Shaped are unveiling a bold, new, entirely rational plan to help ease America into oblivion. They named it the “Green New Deal,” because nobody knew how to spell “Psychotic Unicorn Dance.” Here are some of the Green New Deal’s more clever line items:
~-~-~-~-~-~~-~-~-~-~-~
~-~-~-~-~-~~-~-~-~-~-~
In the chummy interest of energy efficiency, rebuild or replace every single building in America (see “Thank you, and good night”). By one count, that’s about 375 million properties. And you thought it was hard to get a plumber now.
~-~-~-~-~-~~-~-~-~-~-~
Replace every combustion-engine vehicle, assumedly with an electric cars that has solar batteries, backup-powered by a strap-on windmill. The Green New Deal promises that charging stations will suddenly appear everywhere across the land, though there’s no mention of how the charging stations will be powered. Maybe by Unicorns on treadmills…if they can figure out how to power the treadmills.
~-~-~-~-~-~~-~-~-~-~-~
Replace America’s 87,000 daily commercial airline flights with high-speed rail, which doesn’t exist (see magical pixie dust). Until they’re all built, if you need to get from LA to NYC, just take the bus, whiner. Amtrak won’t be an option (see combustion-engine vehicles).
Upon hearing of this plan to ban planes, sources say, Hawaii has finally given up on America and is rowing towards Japan.
~-~-~-~-~-~~-~-~-~-~-~
Provide a government-guaranteed income…for people who are “unwilling to work.” This one was so idiotic that Occasional-Cortex has already had it pulled from their website. Imagine paying someone to not work. Who do these people think they are? Retired Senators?
~-~-~-~-~-~~-~-~-~-~-~
Once and for all, put an end (sorry) to the global scourge that is cow flatulence. No, really. It’s on their agenda. No, really.
~-~-~-~-~-~~-~-~-~-~-~
~-~-~-~-~-~~-~-~-~-~-~
There’s plenty more (spending), but those are some of the farfetched-est. There’s also the usual suspects: universal healthcare (don’t tell Obama), guaranteed housing (don’t tell realtors), and access to nature (don’t tell the cows).
The suckers taxpayers who’re expected to pay for all this haven’t yet been told how you stop a cow from floating methane balloons. Heck, we can’t even get teenagers to stop. And teenagers are much more intelligent than cows. Okay, some teenagers.
The only rock-sure way to get rid of cattle flatulence is to get rid of cattle. And since cows are basically just future hamburgers, I wouldn’t put it past the Green New Dealers to put the idea in front of a focus group.
All we know for sure is that this Green New Deal is going to be joke fodder for a while. I suspect we’ll be laughing till the cows come home.
If there are any cows left.