(A guy’s guide to compliments)
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About a week ago — 24 January, in case you want to write down the date for next year — approximately three people in America observed the not widely known National Compliment Day. (Participation was even lower this year because most people were busy not being unemployed.)

As national holidays go, National Compliment Day is barely old enough to vote. The event was created in 1998 by two females named Debby and Kathy, although these days I probably shouldn’t blindly assume that people named “Debby” and “Kathy” are women.

By the way, 1 March is World Compliment Day, also known as International Compliments Day, also known as Department of The Redundancy Department Repetitious Holiday Day. (We didn’t make that up, and neither did we. Or us, either, too.)

That’s right — there was no compliment recognition day until 1998. This means that America went over two hundred years without anybody ever saying “what a cute blouse” or “nice hat,” though if you’ve ever seen a painting of a Pilgrim, that might explain the absence of hat compliments. (What’s with the hat buckle?)

I suppose, as America spread westward over its first hundred years, everybody was too busy eminent domaining to bother with compliments, or manners, or deodorant. In fact, by the mid-1800s, the lack of civility had gotten so bad that everybody just started shooting everybody else, as if the entire nation had become Afghanistan, or Chicago. (Oddly enough, some addled historian who obviously lacked access to a thesaurus dubbed this period the “Civil War.”)

But now, thanks to two alleged women, we have been re-civiled, and now we celebrate being nice to each other on National Compliment Day. Finally, we can freely compliment each other, unless you’re the unlucky guy who picks the wrong woman to tell that she looks pretty today, in which case you could get fired for sexual harassment, or, if she’s a really big woman, physically assaulted.

Once, just to find out what would happen, I told a woman she didn’t look pretty today. I’m okay now, but it took several minutes for the bleeding to stop.

So it’s no surprise that paying compliments (or not) can get a bit tricky, especially for guys. I don’t know if it’s confusing for women, too, but I doubt it because, as a rule, women are mostly smart. Guys are mostly hungry.

What makes things muddier is our ever-expanding collection of complimenters and complimentees. It’s no longer just “guy compliments gal, gal blushes” or “guy compliments gal, gal contacts Human Resources and files a complaint.” According to one website, there are now sixty-three separate genders, which means football stadiums all across the land are going to have to add sixty-one more public bathrooms that smell like pre-aqueduct Rome.

But don’t give up hope, old-school binary guys. There’s at least one website where you can actually get instructions on what you should do on National Compliment Day. Here’s one of their handy tips:

“To give a compliment, experts suggest finding something that you admire about the person you want to compliment.”

Whew. Glad they cleared that up.

But proceed slowly, guys. Come next National Compliment Day, be careful before you commit to any overly ambitious compliment quotas. Some people, for various reasons, can be harder to compliment than others. Keeping that in mind, here’s a handy list of options:

Compliments For Difficult Situations

• That’s an interesting sweater. Wonder what the guy who won the bet is wearing?
• Nice hat buckle, Pilgrim. I can’t even imagine what your belt looks like.
• I’m guessing you’ve put more than one lunch buffet out of business.
• Loved your inebriated floozy impression in that Sandals ad!
• Not every televangelist can organize a plaid jacket, striped slacks, and white loafers. It’s a miracle.
• That is awesome. It’s absolutely amazing how far away your breath smells.
• You’re such a smart lady, you should apply for membership in WOMENSA.
• Not many guys could rock that totally tattooed head look.
• You know, for a fat woman, you don’t sweat much.
• He may not be smart, but he sure is stupid.
• How much did you pay for those telemarketers? I mean, on the hoof?
• Dude, don’t waste that talent. If you’re gonna lie like that, run for office.
• We enjoyed your acoustic set at Open Mic Night. Ever considered a tuner?
• I’m impressed that anyone that young could be that free of imagination.
• Wow, I bet you can really smell stuff.
• It’s too bad none of your parents’ kids survived.
• Just put down your last book. Well done! It had, um, many sentences.
• Nice hat, Congresswoman Jackson Lee. Oh, you’re not?

You’re welcome.