(Senator, your phenotype is showing)
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Looking back, I suppose we should’ve seen it coming. After all, it’s nearly Halloween, and it’s an election year. So, naturally, a Massachusetts Senator decided to dress up like an Indian.

The costume was not very impressive.

Because now, in case you haven’t heard, the verdict is in. According to the recently released results of a DNA test, the selectively indigenous Senator Elizabeth Warren could be — could be — 1/1032 Native American. That’s about like an Oreo claiming to be part ribeye.

So Senator Liz ‘Bison Blanket’ Warren may be 0.001% American Indian. Phhh. Cher’s song Half Breed is more American Indian than that. Let’s face it:

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Larry Storch is more American Indian than Liz.
Idi Amin is more American Indian than Liz … and nicer.
Mahatma Gandhi is more American Indian than Liz … and better looking.
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It turns out that Senator Eagle Feather has been claiming to be a Cherokee Indian for quite some time — in fact, from 1986 to 1995, she listed herself as “Native American” in the Association of American Law School’s directory of law professors. (Why she stopped in 1995 is unknown. Perhaps she took a break to begin identifying as a Navajo warrior, or a Puerto Rican kosher Jew.)

Then, after gaining tenure at the University of Pennsylvania, Fauxcahontas insisted the school recognize her as Native American, ostensibly so she could sell cartons of cigarettes and operate an on-campus casino. And later, a 1997 Fordham Law Review article described the extremely pale non-paleface as Harvard Law’s “first woman of color.”

So there it is — undeniable proof that white is, in fact, a color.

As a matter of fact, Senator A Woman Called Horse has even published several recipes to the cleverly-named cookbook, Pow Wow Chow, each recipe signed “Elizabeth Warren, Cherokee.” (Admittedly, two of the recipes were “Cereal with Whole Milk” and “Cereal with Skim Milk,” but that’s the editor’s problem, not ours.)

Political Correctness Sidebar: if George W. Bush had ever employed the phrase “pow wow,” even once, MSNBC would’ve napalmed his ranch.

Among the odd woman’s rock-solid scientific evidence of her heritage was this proof: her grandfather had “high cheekbones.” So does Mick Jagger. Maybe next, Senator Howls At Moon will claim she’s a background singer for the Rolling Stones.

Abraham Lincoln also had high cheekbones, but of course, as every American schoolchild knows, Abraham Lincoln never claimed to be a Cherokee. Lincoln was an Apache.

Grandpa had high cheekbones; post hoc ergo, I’m a Cherokee Indian. Whew. It’s a good thing I’m not in the Oval Office. If I ran into someone who was that addled, not only would I try to keep them from voting; I’d keep them from driving.

Even the Cherokee Nation has rejected Senator Wounded Kneepad’s claim. According to the internet — a tool used to quickly share misspellings, invented by Al Gore (Pawnee Nation) — the minimum requirement for consideration is 1/16th Cherokee blood.

Sheesh — the Cherokee Nation has better border security than the American Nation.

Phenotypical Sidebar: Al Gore has no cheekbones, period. He had them removed after learning that cheekbones may lead to smiling.

According to the Cherokee Nation’s Secretary of State, John Kerry — who also has no cheekbones, and for the same reason as Al — to be recognized as a member of the Cherokee Nation, what matters is:

• clan ancestry, or
• tracing one’s genealogy to an ancestor on the 1914 “Dawes Rolls,” or
• being adopted by a Clan Mother

Bakery Sidebar: The Dawes Rolls isn’t actually bread. It’s a list originally known as the “Final Rolls of the Citizens and Freedmen of the Five Civilized Tribes in Indian Territory,” but the name was changed so it would fit on territory guest towels.

And as if we needed any more proof, Senator Little Big Woman’s heritage claim has been rejected by renowned genealogist Megan Smolenyak Smolenyak, which is worth noting here because if you think I’m going to miss an opportunity to repeatedly say “Megan Smolenyak Smolenyak,” you don’t know much about my heritage.

Resumé Sidebar: renowned genealogist Megan Smolenyak Smolenyak is, uh, renowned for identifying Michelle Obama as being related to black people.

Ooh. I smell Nobel.

Finally, in closing, here are some more recently released DNA test results:

• Former Atlanta Braves’ mascot, Chief Noc-A-Homa, is not actually a Native American, partly because he does not actually exist. Not that that’s ever stopped Caitlyn Jenner.
• Due to an IRS computer glitch, renowned genealogist Megan Smolenyak Smolenyak can now claim herself as a dependent of herself.
• In a surprising post-DNA-test recall, the Jeep “Cherokee” has been renamed the Jeep “Home Skillet.” This was actually their second choice, since Ford had already named their new crossover compact SUV sedan hemi, the Ford “Nez Perce.”
• Texas Representative Sheila Jackson Lee is a direct descendant of General Robert E. Lee.
• And Bruce Lee. And Lee J. Cobb. And several Cobb Salads.
• Hillary Clinton is, in fact, only 50% mutant lizard person. The other 50% is pending classification until science can determine who picks out her clothes.

So. Don’t forget to vote, and I’ll see you on the streets at Halloween. I’ll either be dressed as Senator Spitting Bull or … if I can lose enough weight … John Kerry’s chin.

Don’t tell Al Gore.