(with apologies to Willie the Shake)
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America, we saw it happen. We were there. It was the birth of the “Me, Too, Too” movement. Nobody’s actually named it yet, but we saw it happen. We can tell our children and grandchildren – we were there.

The counter-movement centered around Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh, a vile villain who spent his entire adult life doing inexcusable things like being appointed to the second highest court in the land, earning the respect of every professional he ever met, coaching his daughter’s ball team, and standing during the National Anthem. And as if that list of horrors wasn’t bad enough, the Judge had hinted that he wasn’t insanely obsessed with despising President Trump.

That did it. Suddenly, in a chain of “random” events about as unorchestrated as a Spielberg movie shoot, three phantom females miraculously, simultaneously remembered being roughly groped by the Judge, roughly thirty years ago. And of course, since they said it happened, it happened — especially since the nominee refused to become infected with Trump Derangement Syndrome.

(Automatic guilty charge and deep legal analysis, courtesy of world-renowned jurisprudence expert, The View’s Joy Behar, who has spent approximately zero minutes studying no aspects of this or any other case.)

The “Me, Too, Too” movement is for guys allegedly accused of allegedly being guys. It’s sort of like a “she said, he said” response to the “he said, she said” legal scenario — as candidate Kavanaugh is discovering, he’s being considered guilty of a completely unsubstantiated charge, from an accuser with no witnesses, no corroboration, no memory of exactly where it happened, or how she got there, or how she got home. Normally, for that kind of nonsense to get any serious media buy-in, there’d have to be a Clinton involved.

And abruptly, the Judge was damned and deemed guilty until proven innocent, and the accused would be forced to prove his innocence, contrary to several hundred years of legal precedent.

Of course I watched the thing, because I don’t live near any real train wrecks I could watch. So here are some play-by-play observations (as yet uncorroborated by Joy Behar):

• Okay, the Selective Outrage Senate hearing has started, about an hour late. Washington insiders claim the delay was due to an uncorroborated sighting of Al Gore having a facial expression.
• The “Look, Kavanaugh Molested Somebody Else, Too” Congressional hearings have begun. At this moment, the selective amnesia circus is in recess. And recess is the perfect word for this truant-level nonsense.
• The Kavanaugh Hispanish Inquisition is now on their fourth recess. Whatever professional assets professional politicians claim to possess, the list apparently doesn’t include bladders.
• There’s a Democrat in Congress named Sheldon Whitehouse. Well, of course he went into politics. Poor dude never stood a chance.
• Kavanaugh’s accuser says she doesn’t remember who paid for her polygraph test. How many polygraphs would you have to take before you start forgetting who ponied up for which one?
• As usual, the Republican members of the Senate blew it again (I’m pretty sure they think “tactics” is some sort of breath mint). Rather than directly question Kavanaugh’s female accuser, they hired a similarly-gendered attorney to do all the talking…or, perhaps better put, tiptoeing. I’ve heard tougher questions in the $10 column on Jeopardy.
• Oh, good. At the Kavanaugh premature perp walk, Senator Spartacus is now evacuating his larynx. The guy just spoke for nearly ten minutes without pausing to breathe. I think he has gills. If this political gig doesn’t work out, Booker can always get a job playing the didgeridoo.
• And now, Dick “Stolen Valor” Blumenthal is doing his best to enable Judge Kavanaugh’s occasionally cogent accuser. Maybe he can talk her into claiming she served her country in Vietnam, too.
• By my count, we just saw the 455th “lest ye forget” film clip of Justice Clarence Thomas, who was once caught up in a similar madness. And it’s beginning to look like candidate Kavanaugh’s only way to survive this SCOTUS circus may be to start referring to himself as an uppity black man.
• Well, nearly a day later, the call for execution hearing seems to have wrapped up, after some guy named Flake … I am not good enough to make this stuff up … reneged on his vote and is now demanding a seventh — count ’em — seventh FBI investigation.
• This somehow affects some arcane Senate something called cloture, which sounds like some kind of particularly uncomfortable dental procedure.
• And the play goes on.

Meanwhile, in other breaking news, there’s a report that fifty million facebook accounts have been hacked. This spells big trouble. Now the Chinese will know what everyone in America is planning to make for dinner.