(Now with 10% more immortality!)
~-~-~-~-~-~
I’ll admit it. My very vocal, outraged opinions about almost all advertising are no secret, as you know if you’re a regular visitor here at the diaTribe, or if you’re my next-door neighbors. There’s just something about expressions like “It’s the first and only…” or “Absolutely free! You just pay a separate fee!” that are — I don’t know — uncivilized.
“This amazing product is the first and only automated ant abdomen dicer!” Stop it. “First and only” is overkill. “Only” pretty much covers it. If nobody else has ever done it, obviously you’re the first to do it. Sit down.
And then there’s the tired, repetitive call-to-action shouting that hints of substandard workplace conditions: “Operators are standing by!” C’mon, corporate. Somebody get these people a chair.
So, this week, I thought we’d spend a few minutes head-scratching over some examples of American marketing. But hurry! These examples won’t last!
Witness:
~-~-~-~-~-~
I got an ad from a company now marketing foot-specific socks. There’s a little “L” on one sock and a little “R” on the other. According to one customer’s testimonial, while trying on a pair at the clothing store, he intentionally slipped the “R” on his “L” foot, and so on, just to see what would happen.
Two hours later, police arrested the man at a nearby intersection for repeatedly turning left on red.
~-~-~-~-~-~
That way-over-excited “My Pillow” guy has now come out with a solar-powered pillow. Only catch is, you have to sleep outside, during the day.
I’m told Supreme Court Justice Ruth Ginsburg has pre-ordered six.
~-~-~-~-~-~
I contacted a local tree pruning company, because I have big tree that keeps groping my roof, as if Harvey Weinstein was a water oak. The pruning company wanted a $150 deposit to give me a free estimate.
I suggested they do something to themselves that, to be fair, would be almost biologically impossible, even for Harvey.
~-~-~-~-~-~
I was working from home on my work laptop. I popped online to check on the price of a possible gift for a coworker. Not three minutes later, on an entirely different computer at home, the same product I had just Googled appeared in a facebook ad.
Sheesh. Our entire national intelligence community can’t process information that fast.
~-~-~-~-~-~
According to one TV ad, no man can consider himself fully virile until he coughs up twenty bucks or more for a “tactical” flashlight. As shown in the ad, these Armageddon-surviving light sources are vital to various stubble-faced, testosterone-infused mercenaries (all named Nick) as they surface in assorted unnamed lakes.
But, just to be on the safe side, I checked my work calendar for the rest of the year, and I find not a single scenario that will require me to be submerged in a lake.
~-~-~-~-~-~
An ad for a non-stick frying pan presents various normal kitchen activities, like turning various breakfasts into ebony blobs, surviving extended time in 500-degree ovens, and hammering rocks into tiny pieces with a mallet.
And after airing all that malice, they still felt the need to add that the pan is dishwasher-safe.
~-~-~-~-~-~
There’s a medical supplies company bragging about their new “lubricated” catheters. Personally, I think anybody selling catheters that aren’t lubricated should be serving hard time.
I once had a parasailing accident that resulted in me needing a catheter. I haven’t felt so invaded since Bill Clinton misdialed and asked me to bring him a pizza.
~-~-~-~-~-~
If all criminals were as stupid as the ones in TV commercials, then we’d have no more burglaries. If all housewives were as clumsy in the kitchen as the ones on TV, most children would starve to death. And if all guys were as clueless as the gu…okay, bad example.
~-~-~-~-~-~
I’ve checked my garage carefully, and I’m forced to admit that I do not own a garden hose that could survive being continuously run over by some sadist in a Ford F-350 Dually. (Five bucks says his name is Nick.)
Sorry to cut the discussion short, but I need to run now, so I can remedy this hoseless situation.
Hopefully, operators are standing by.
~-~-~-~-~-~