(Call now! Witches are standing by!)

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Astronomically speaking, this past week was, to use the technical term, a lulu. Astrologically speaking, it was a lulu, too, though those zodiac-oriented hard-science professionals prefer “humdinger.” This month, Earthlings got to see a blood moon … during the longest lunar eclipse of the century … while the planet Mars sneaked in so close to us that California designated Earth a sanctuary planet and gave Mars free health care and in-state college tuition.

And of course, not wanting to miss a marketing opportunity, the California Astrology Association advertised a “Blood Moon Special” on various witchcraft spells.

(Well of course there’s an official California Astrology Association. Welcome to California, where witchcraft is fine but plastic straws are banned. Besides, the CAA has a logo and magic amulets and everything.)

Actually, not all Earthlings got to see the eclipse. Americans didn’t get to see an eclipse at all, maybe because Mars was in the way. Or maybe China put a tariff on lunar eclipses during the Trump Trade Wars, which is a new, really long reality show on CNN, except without the pesky reality parts.

Fortunately, however, the lunar eclipse was broadcast live on the internet, assuming you could find it between porn, angry cat photos, and facebook ‘”what we’re having for dinner” updates. (The internet is one of the few things that China hasn’t bought yet. At least, not as of Friday. LOL)

The term blood moon refers to the optical effect caused when the sun is behind the moon, which doesn’t happen very often due to President Trump’s evil policies (source: CNN). See, light refracts (basically, that means light runs around fracting more than once) and since red light waves are very short (no offense), they kind of bend over in front of the moon, and please appreciate the self-control it took for me, during that last sentence, not to make a joke about Bill Clinton.

And so, during a blood moon, all that combined optics science results in the eclipsed moon looking like one of W.C. Fields’ eyeballs after a particularly busy binge weekend; hence, the term blood moon. Personally, I thought last week’s blood moon to be more of a dark orange, but I suppose your blood might be dark orange, if you’re very ill, or related to John Kerry.

Come to think of it, Mars happens to be known as the Red Planet, and it looks orange, too. Maybe this is some weird chemically-induced color blindness that occurs to people who wear white lab coats and pocket protectors, on purpose. Congress should look into this. And tax it.

But the orange-for-red bait-and-switch no doubt worked in favor of the marketing team at the California Astrology Association. After all, they’d probably have a tough time generating a lot of coin while trying to sell a “Navel Orange Moon Special.”

According to CAA’s website, their “Andreika’s Blood Moon Bewitching Spell” will maybe more-or-less probably improve your love life and your financial situation. However, they admit that casting bewitching spells is “more art than science,” so even a career professional witch like Andreika, or Leona Helmsley, will not be successful every time, even with the help of a marketing department.

During this big, one-weekend-only Tangerine Moon Bewitching Spell sale, alert shoppers can request that one of the on-duty CAA staff witches cast a spell for only $34.99! (anti-spell guardian revenge amulet not included) But wait! There’s more! For the low, low price of nine more bucks, they’ll biggie-size your spell and cast it again two hours later! (apparently, there’s some kind of weird network latency issue when invoking spirits)

But, hey — don’t just take my word for it. On the Tangelo Moon Spirit Summoning Sale page, there are two customer testimonials. Both are from the same guy. I guess he went with a clone bewitching spell.

Anyway, since you’ve got a couple hours to kill (be honest…you know you went with biggie-sized), let’s learn a little more about Mars, the only object in the known Universe named after a candy bar. Depending on when you look, Mars, our next-most outer-space neighbor, is anywhere between 35 million and 46 million miles away, which is why NASA can’t use Google Maps to get there. The reason for the variance is that both Earth and Mars orbit the sun following what’s known as an elliptical orbit, which is the name of a gym workout machine, which is why I’ve never seen one.

Elliptical orbits don’t describe a perfect circle around the sun; they’re more of an oval, like NASCAR tracks, but with less beer. This means that elliptical orbits have a “farthest” point from the sun, and a “nearest” point, much like Hillary’s relationship to the truth. The near and far points are respectively known as the Perihelion and the Aphelion, named after the pair of fox-suckled twins who founded Rome.

(According to CNN, Barack Obama founded Rome. But unlike the twins, Barack ate the fox.)

Since forever, Mars has obsessed scientists who keep hoping to discover water on Mars, as if they were desperate realtors trying to develop an alternative for coastal Florida. And thanks to Edgar Rice Burroughs, the author who gave us Tarzan, many clueless Americans and other members of Congress still think Mars is populated by little green men. (The green women of Mars are all currently tied up in a class action lawsuit against Captain James T. Kirk and could not be reached for comment.)

Hmm. Captain Kirk might want to consider ringing up the West Coast witches and grabbing himself an immunity amulet (buy two and save!). After all, they’re quite a bargain right now, during the Indian River Citrus Moon Bewitching Sale.