(The best shenanigans are global shenanigans)
~-~-~-~-~-~
This past week, America seemed to be everywhere on Earth, except the World Cup. We found the POTUS in Europe, the SecState in Mexico, and the FBI attempting to invade Moscow.
Our lovely FLOTUS traveled with POTUS, while here at home (HOTUS) we all yelled at each other about SCOTUS and abortions (FETUS). This was not one of our finest moments. (FMOTUS)
Here are some other observations and discoveries:
~-~-~-~-~-~~-~-~-~-~-~
The US Justice Department issued indictments against twelve members of the Russian intelligence agency known as the GRU (Global Rodham Undermining.) The Russian nationals were accused of trying to sway the 2016 US Presidential election by drawing little moustaches on Hillary Clinton campaign posters. Oddly, nobody in America ever noticed the doctored photos.
~-~-~-~-~-~~-~-~-~-~-~
President Trump traveled to Europe to explain to our NATO allies how much bullets cost these days. European leaders responded by threatening to invoke a tariff on rap music. Democrats in Congress pointed to this as evidence of Trump’s deep-seated hatred of minorities, and Eminem. (Democrats facing a tough re-election campaign this year added that, in the 1830s, Trump had personally attempted to derail the Underground Railroad.)
~-~-~-~-~-~~-~-~-~-~-~
In business news, the government of the United Kingdom cleared a proposal for Rupert Murdoch’s takeover bid of UK broadcasting giant, Sky. Murdoch, of course, is the global media goliath, who already owns 21st Century Fox, FoxNews, and Australia.
~-~-~-~-~-~~-~-~-~-~-~
Meanwhile, here at home, the shrieking continued over the next Supreme Court Justice. And this past week, here at the diaTribe, our crack investigative team uncovered an important document, or we would have done, if we actually had a crack investigative team. Here, then, is the newly discovered, official, Progressive Liberal Press Release Template (just fill in the blanks):
Supreme Court nominee (insert name) is the most right-wing, extreme candidate ever offered for approval to the US Senate. Judge (insert name) will set race relations and women’s reproductive rights back 50 years. (He/She) will also break into your home and set your clock back a full week before Daylight Savings Time.
It is incomprehensible how (insert name) ever made it through the vetting process, due to (his/her) extreme views on race, taxpayer-funded women’s health issues, and my re-election campaign.
This satanic nominee needs to go. The Judge’s last name begins with a K, and so does Ku Klux Klan. Additionally, the candidate’s first name begins with a B, as in Ban, and as in Abortion, if you misspell it. The Republicans probably didn’t think we’d pick up on that, but we’re on to them.
If (insert name) is approved, life in the United States will be changed in an extreme and deeply racist manner, plux, there’ll be no more ice cream, ever. Judge (insert name) exhibits signs of being an intensely sexist, racist, homophobic xenophobe, and he/she eats worms. We are all deeply alarmed at the nomination of such an extremely unqualified candidate. Click here to donate to my re-election campaign.
~-~-~-~-~-~~-~-~-~-~-~
After the NATO love-fest, President Trump flew from continental Europe to the United Kingdom, a place very similar to the Magic Kingdom, but with less parking. Londoners welcomed the US President by protesting in the streets, apparently outraged by something or other that Trump did in 1776. The protestors laid out their grievances by flying a giant balloon of a naval orange wearing a diaper.
Later that day, the President and First Lady had tea with the Queen of England, the world’s oldest monarch who still carries a purse.
~-~-~-~-~-~~-~-~-~-~-~
The FBI, in-between allegations that some Russians attended a Hillary rally and made little underarm pooty sounds, was kept busy managing the career of agent Peter Strzok, who was accused of hiding a consonant in his name. (We’re kidding, of course. That “z” isn’t hiding; it’s just silent, like the “p” in “psychotic,” or justice in Sudan.)
~-~-~-~-~-~~-~-~-~-~-~
Following the London luncheon, the President and the First Lady flew to Scotland, where Trump mispronounced “brae.” As they crossed the tarmac from Air Force One (starring Harrison Ford) to the Secret Service-soaked auto convoy, there arose the sound of bagpipes. Suddenly, Mel Gibson, his face lightening-streaked with blue paint, charged over a hill and onto the runway. Within seconds, scores of dark-suited agents with absolutely zero sense of humor had cuffed the kilted klansman, and American democracy was saved to live another day.
~-~-~-~-~-~~-~-~-~-~-~
See you guys next week! (NWOTUS)