Green Women & the Grocery of Gloom

(This week, I shoulda stood in bed)

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As weeks go, this one has been particularly gloomy. For one thing, it rained about twenty-five separate times. Also this week, I had to kill a woman.

In my defense, she had it coming. The sign on the pole at the express lane clearly read “TEN ITEMS OR LESS.” And to make matters worse, after she stopped twitching, I had to walk to my car … in the rain.

To be honest, this was the first time I’ve actually delivered any vigilante justice at the grocery, but hardly the first time I’d thought about it. No, no. There’s something about grocery stores that somehow seems to bring out the absolute worst in some people. Maybe it’s the lack of windows. Maybe it’s an instantaneous crippling dementia brought on by having to choose between 411,000 varieties of sliced cheese.

Maybe it’s a Baco neurosis. I keep a small container of Baco’s in my fridge, in case I ever manage to buy and eat a baked potato before it sprouts eyes and then auto-dials Child Protective Services. According to the handy label on the top of the Baco’s bottle, the ingredients are safe to eat for an entire year. Right. I don’t pretend to know what’s actually in a Baco’s bottle, but that’s not pork.

Also, you never see a clock in a grocery store. Maybe they don’t want you thinking about the Baco’s.

But that express-lane slaying was just my Wednesday. This past week, gloom loomed around every corner, gloom skulked all over the place. Among other lousy occurrences during this last week:

In a Pyongyang press conference following the US-NOKO talks about promises to denuclearize, the supreme North Korean leader, Kim Basinger, giggled and commented “Nae songalag-I geonneossda.” Translators at the Pentagon have determined the phrase to mean, “My fingers were crossed. Psych!”
CNN reported that Not-My-President Trump personally fire-bombed a Bethesda animal shelter, where he allegedly bit the head off a live puppy.
A person on facebook “un-friended” me because I’m not atheist enough. I’m not sure how you get to be more or less of something that I’m fairly sure is a binary choice, but there it is. Besides, if I was that clever, I wouldn’t be on facebook in the first place.
On the plus side, though, as a parting shot my former facebook friend attempted to insult my intelligence by typing “your stupid,” which was delicious.
Some confused female tried to climb the Statue of Liberty because, you know, that’s how sane people protest against stuff. Obviously the police noticed her on the side of statue, because she’s not green. Now she’s pleading ‘not guilty.’ Seriously. The woman was rescued by cops from the monument itself, and she says she wasn’t there.
By the way, she also claims to be channeling Michelle Obama (see “sane people”). Next, I suppose, she’ll be claiming she’s a white indigenous Native American Senator from Massachusetts.
At a midsummer Trekkies convention, we learned that Captain James T. Kirk of the starship Enterprise once hit on the Statue of Liberty.
MSNBC reported that Mr. Trump has signed an executive order demanding that during the week of Thanksgiving, all members of Congress must wear Puritan hats.
Something bubbled up in the news about alleged sexual abuse by the attending doctor of a college wrestling team. Now there’s a mental image I’d like to avoid.
According to the internet, somebody has invented a machine that can separate egg yolks from egg whites. The machine can process 20,000 eggs per hour. Imagine the pressure on the poor hen up by the ON switch.
ABC reported that Trump, the Evil Overlord, stormed the US southern border and separated 20,000 asylum-seeking egg yolks from their whites.
I learned that, due to the ongoing “tariff dare” battles between the US and China, one of the items in jeopardy is soup. Sheesh. The country that created baseball, managed to put mankind on the moon, and gave us Louis Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald … and we can’t even make our soup anymore.
Can you channel someone who’s still alive? Wouldn’t that chafe?