(A skewed salute for Father’s Day)
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In America, this Sunday is Father’s Day, that day when we celebrate the patriarchal foundation of our family by giving him more socks. (“Patriarchal” is an ancient Latin word, loosely translated as “arched head,” which describes that universal look Dads make when you come home past curfew and blame it on Russian collusion.)
For some reason, Dads apparently go through socks (and ties) faster than Bill Clinton’s pizza delivery speed dial. And it’s up to us, as grateful scions, to make sure their necks and ankles stay properly clad. (“Scion” is an ancient Latin word, loosely translated as “tentative heir, unless he pulls that ‘curfew’ crap again.” The best available definition of its plural, “scions,” is street gang, or The Kennedy Compound.)
But one of the countless, priceless gifts I received from my parents is the ability to observe. (Concerning any ability to keep my mouth shut after observing, well, I apparently skipped school that day.)
Here then, for your Father’s Day enjoyment, are a few such observations:
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Every year for Mother’s Day, visiting aliens from Planet Marketing suggest the perfect gift for Mom would be a diamond costing several thousand dollars. For Father’s Day? Target recommends this nice two-tie bundle for just $14.99. (this weekend only)
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In an office building near me, taped to the wall, is a sign announcing a Perfect Attendance contest. Just below the top line, there’s a section that begins: Requirements…
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Last week, the state of Florida passed a new law stating that if an officer catches you, in your car, with your smartphone in your hand, you’ll be fined $250, unless you’re an illegal alien, in which case you’ll receive a free iPhone upgrade and be eligible for in-state college tuition.
The sad part of that story is there are no doubt several thousand idiots, right now, reading this on the smartphone in their car.
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As part of my mid-life crisis, I now own a twelve-string acoustic guitar. It came with an owner’s manual and, of course, twenty-eight pages of dire warnings, including this one: Do not place your face close to the guitar when changing the strings. Also included was this bit of breaking news: Broken guitars are mostly the result of dropping the guitar. Well, now we know.
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For his efforts on the Korean peninsula, some Norwegians have nominated President Trump for a Nobel Peace Prize.
In a related story: following the Nobel nomination, Chuck Schumer’s head exploded. Fortunately, there was nothing substantial to clean up.
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I have a friend who lives in the “country” and owns several animals, including some breed of chicken that lays colored eggs. I’m guessing these birds grew up in the 60’s.
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My house is now eleven years old, so the various components have officially reached the age of “planned obsolescence,” and are beginning to Dorian Gray themselves into a junkyard relocation. While surf-shopping for a replacement dishwasher, I noticed that one of the new savvy-consumer specs is the device’s noise level, measured in decibels. Don’t bother, Marketing. Half the guys I know think a decibel is something you clean & jerk at the gym.
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The Trump administration finally figured it out. Cueing on mainstream media’s group psychosis known as Trump Derangement System, the White House leaked that Trump absolutely refused to have a border wall.
The wall was funded and built in three days.
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One of the new “smart” doorbell/camera devices on the market is named the “Ring.” Whew. Planet Marketing really burned the midnight oil for that one, eh?
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Since 1849, according to the internet (yeah, I know), there have been over 200 attempts by various groups to split California into multiple states, or to secede entirely.
This number does not include earthquakes.
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This last week, the amazing physicist Stephen Hawking’s ashes were interred at Westminster Abbey…between Charles Darwin and Isaac Newton. That, children, is a life fully lived.
I suppose when they pick bookends and deep-six me, it’ll be a toss-up between Moe and Larry or Moe and Curly.
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Happy Father’s Day, Dad. Thanks for everything I am.