(if you need me, I’ll be over here evolving)

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You know the Darwin Awards, yes? Of course you do. (If you don’t, say you do anyway; otherwise, you might get one.)

The Darwin Awards are those unofficial “biped stupidity” prizes, presented in the spirit of Charles Darwin, a nineteenth-century naturalist who got so bored of sailing that he actually wrote a book called The Formation of Vegetable Mould, through the Actions of Worms, a page-turner which sold two copies because he had two sisters. For some reason, the ship was named The Beagle, but that certainly wasn’t Darwin’s fault.

Once Charles managed to get off the boat, he participated in what the internet refers to as — and I quote — “overwork, illness, and marriage,” a phrase which may dance right past most of you, but is the sort of delicious interplay deeply appreciated by single guys. Despite his maladies, however, the man stayed busy coining cool semi-scientific phrases like “natural selection” (dating) and “artificial selection” (online dating).

Charles Darwin is maybe most famous for that theory of natural selection, as every American schoolchild who was born before thumb-texting will remember. Natural selection holds that as a species evolves, Mother Nature will “select” the specimens with the most promising traits, and the less desirable “weaker” beasts will be cut out of the will and forced to relocate to Seattle. It is these traits that will make future generations stronger, smarter, and less likely to do stupid stuff, like updating your facebook status that you’ve checked in to your hotel at the beach, thereby alerting every burglar on Earth that your home is currently available for plucking.

Darwin called this his Survival of the Fittest theory, and that’s the basis of the Darwin Awards — natural selection will naturally, consistently cull the herd, removing the really seriously evolution-threatening idiots. (Another of Darwin’s published theories, one he called the Survival of the Fitness, claimed that if an author wrote a book about a new diet, at least 100 million people would buy it.) Later in life, Charlie D got excited about marine invertebrates, an often-ignored group of lifeforms that include barnacles, jellyfish, and career politicians.

Darwin’s theory of natural selection argues that evolution will try to maintain a healthy balance between the planet and all of its inhabitants, even Republicans. And since species always seem to breed beyond available resources, particularly in college fraternities, evolution will attempt to regain a balance by (naturally) selecting and removing the most useless individuals, like drivers who’ve had their turn signal on for fourteen hours. And the mission of the Darwin Awards is to document human examples of evolution taking charge of that balance, usually involving guys whose last words were “Here, hold my beer” or “Hey, y’all, watch this.”

So, the Darwin Awards commemorate those humans (usually guys) who selflessly improve our gene pool by attempting to remove themselves from it. Among the list of previous (and posthumous) candidates for a Darwin Award:

• A Malaysian man who collected a twelve-foot python from the roadside, then held the snake by it head as he continued home on his motorbike. But the constrictor figured out a way to start constricting. When motorists found him the next day, they had to kill the snake to free the strangled man’s body.
• While walking along a river in Berlin, a young man got so angry at his lady that he threw her into the river, then jumped in after her to push her under. She could swim. He could not. She survived. He was credited with inventing the short-lived Olympic event, synchronized drowning.
• Also in Germany, a 71-year-old woman who was smoking outside the hospital died when her oxygen ventilator ignited. Fortunately, her wheelchair survived.
• In 1816, a prominent and otherwise intelligent man named G. Morris attempted to use a whalebone as a catheter. He’s buried in New York. On his side.

And last week in Hawaii, yet another Award contender made the news. Members of the U.S. Geological Survey, already fairly busy keeping tabs on the erupting Kilauea volcano, had to take a minute to respond to this twit’s tweet:

“Is it safe to roast marshmallows over volcanic vents?”

Let’s hope the USGS made a somber, respectful reply.

“You should be fine with marshmallows. S’mores, however, might explode when placed near poisonous, moving, liquid rock that’s above 1,500 degrees Fahrenheit. Be sure you skewer the marshmallows with a whalebone while you smoke.”

Tick tock…