(Alexa, how is spelt spelt?)

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Once upon a time, a woman in France told French people to eat cake, and they cut off her head.

And you thought French waiters were rude.

“Let them eat cake.” It’s one of the most famous quotes in history, and we can’t even agree on who said it. According to some sources, it was allegedly uttered by Marie-Osmond-Antoinette, back before her hugely successful career hawking weight loss products. (Antoinette is an ancient French term meaning “little Antoin.”)

As it turns out, there is considerable debate among historians over the years about whether or not Madame M-Antoinette actually said “Let them eat cake” (back when she still had an attached mouth, of course). Various critics have suggested several other women as the original utterer, with the big money on a Spanish princess named Marie-Thérèse, a woman who was so rich she could afford weird-shaped apostrophes in her last name.

(It’s interesting that the list of candidate quoters only contains women, but only mildly interesting. Let’s face it — if a guy had seen the cake, he’d have already eaten it.)

True or not, though, we’ve all heard the legendary story about greed, decadence, and snobbish out-of-touch leadership, and this was before the United States even had a Congress. At some time around 1789, according to the tale, when Marie was the bride of France’s King Louis XVI, she was given the sad news that nobody in France could find any gluten-free bread, or, for that matter, a decent low-sodium can of Pringles. Supposedly, Marie-A’s sniffy response was “Qu’ils mangent de la brioche,” an ancient French idiom that translates, loosely, as “Girl, are you wearing a porcupine brooch?”

As mentioned, Marie-Antoinette was married to France’s latest Louis, King Louis XVI. The other Marie- in this story, Marie-Thérèse, was also married to a Louis (King Louis XIV). What this tells the observant reader is that Maries and hyphens were all the rage in the Middle Ages, and students of political theory will note that the key qualification for being king was the right name. (witness, for example: Kennedy. Bush. Anybody related to or groped by Bill Clinton.)

One thing I had not known about Marie-Antoinette and Louis 16 is that they were married when Marie- was only thirteen, an age which a bit young for romance, I think most people would agree, except maybe Woody Allen.  The sixteenth Louis was considered, then and now, as a fop, a word which, according to Alexa — Amazon’s extremely opinionated home robot lady — is “usually defined as a man who is much concerned with his dress and appearance.” By that definition, Justin Bieber is a fop. Johnny Depp is not a fop. Barack Obama is a colossal fop. Geraldo Rivera is a failed fop.

But at least the tumultuous story of Louis and Marie ended well. French grocers finally started carrying Pringles, the people of France fell in love with Jerry Lewis, and the French monarchy gave their lives for the noblest of causes, a Broadway hit named Les Miserables.

You know, instead of “Let them eat cake,” perhaps the French-Marie-hyphen-lady should have just said “Let them have cake.” Because everybody knows you can’t have your cake and eat it, too.

According to Alexa, who I didn’t even ask, the earliest known usage of “you can’t have your cake and eat it, too” was in a 1538 letter from Thomas, Duke of Norfolk, to Lord Chamberlain Thomas Cromwell, a man who was instrumental in de-Vatican-izing England, and in making sure Henry VIII got lots of sex.

Depending on whom you ask (shut up, Alexa), the proverb means “you can’t have it both ways,” a concept which never occurred to any career politician, or Bruce Jenner. But we see the proverb played out differently in various cultures, belief systems, and bad puns.

Witness:

• You: Mom, is there any birthday cake left?
• Your mom: You can’t have your cake and eat it, too.
• You: [numbed orthodontics-induced stare paired with a pre-diabetic sugar-craving shiver]
• Your mom: Son, once you eat cake, it’s gone. You can’t still have it.
• Your siblings: I want some birthday cake, too!
• You: No, I want all my cake.
• Your spouse’s lawyer: No, we want all your cake.
• Congress: We’ll protect your cake, though we’ve already eaten it.
• IRS: You owe us 64% of your non-farm-income cake.
• Bill Clinton: I did not have cake with that woman.
• Henry VIII: I was told there’d be cake. And chicks.
• Marie-Antoinette: Whatever you do, don’t bring up the word cake.
• Marie-Osmond: Man, I miss cake.
• Louis XVI: Does this cake go with my wig?
• Russia: None of your cake is actually your cake.
• China: Four thousand years ago, we invented cake. Also, Pringles.
• Catholicism: For a fee, here’s some future cake.
• Baptists: Wednesday night, bring some cake and a hot dish.
• Buddhism: Your cake is not real.
• Hinduism: At least it’s not beefcake.
• 10,000 former Macy’s employees: You gonna finish that cake?
• Erwin Schrödinger: I might have your cake. Then again…
• Alexa: Here are three more songs about cake.