(He said ‘allegedly’ 22 times. Allegedly.)
~-~-~-~-~-~
This week, let’s all agree to solve a problem that really wants solving. No, not the odd fact that at the end of TV shows featuring two guys bass fishing in a small boat on a small pond, the credits list “writers,” though someone really should look into that.
Here’s my idea. Every so often, some thoughtful appointed committee needs to get together, review any new manglings of the English language, and officially ban said manglings. (Yes, I know “manglings” is not a word. Leave me alone.)
Additionally, this committee would be responsible for forbidding public use of irritating expressions that have been so overused online and in the news that if I never hear those phrases again, I’ll…um…I’ll…I’ll find something else to complain about.
So, here’s a hopefully helpful primer: a partial list of very tired expressions, how they’re commonly used, and how they ought to be used. (Yes, in my opinion. Leave me alone. Go write your own humor column.)
Enjoy.
~-~-~-~-~-~
The lame expression
Enjoy.
This one-word sentence — practically a demand — is often threatened by restaurant waiters, right before they vanish into the beer cooler to snort more cocaine.
The tired usage
And here’s your mashed yeast petite mist cake, light on the arugula, calories on the side. Enjoy.
The proper usage
Man, that large Tudor dude, Henry, sure enjoys getting married, huh? What’s he up to now, six?
~-~-~-~-~-~
The lame expression
Plummet
A fear-inducing term usually invoked to describe a sudden sharp decline in investments; in other words, very rich people lost a bunch of money really fast. Coincidentally, “plummet” often describes the final activity of very rich people who lost a bunch of money really fast.
The tired usage
Today, the Dow Jones average plummeted nearly 3 whole points after President Trump again refused to get kidnapped by aliens from another galaxy. This will be the second week in a row that President Trump has refused to leave Earth, prompting CNN analysts to interpret it as a “trend.”
The proper usage
Look, if your toilet’s backed up, call somebody to plummet.
~-~-~-~-~-~
The lame expression
Too big to fail
Used to describe something so large, or powerful, or filthy rich that there’s no way it could possibly ever go down…so we can’t afford to let it go down. Our guess is that this phrase was coined around 1000 B.C., right before Goliath had his fateful slingshot rendezvous…ironically. Sadly, Goliath had minimal access to the Obama administration’s billions in bailout bucks.
The tired usage
CNN analysts insist that we must prop up Goldman Morgan, Merrill Stanley, and the Lehman Half-Brothers, because they are too big to fail. There was no mention of President Taft.
The proper usage
OMG UR ugly & mean 2. Big 2. Fail. LOL
~-~-~-~-~-~
The lame expression
Facebook sold my personal information!
A sentence fragment often uttered by surprised people comprised of a delicious mix of mind-numbing gullibility, vapid cluelessness, and selective outrage. Not only are these (non)useful idiots shocked that marketers covet human behavior patterns – something marketers been doing since Cleopatra shopped for eyeliner – but they’re usually the same schmucks who spend half their time on-line blithely broadcasting to millions of poised burglars that they’re not home: “just checked in to our stateroom for the Caribbean Intestinal Parasite cruise LOL”
The tired usage
facebook sold my personal information & i m highly indignate lol
The proper usage
Shut up.
~-~-~-~-~-~
The lame expression
Dreamers
A warm, whimsical euphemism concocted by liberals to make them feel better about themselves, “dreamers” is the unrequested nickname hurled at the children of illegal immigrants, aka “undocumented Democrat voters.”
The tired usage
The Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA) policy must be maintained to protect the Dreamers, aka “brown people that every single Republican hates.” Otherwise, Donald Trump will make them all go live in internment camps, or Idaho.
The proper usage
David Bowie’s 1999 album, Hours
~-~-~-~-~-~
The lame expression
Haircut
The application of this term neared terminal obnoxiousness during the 2008 financial crisis. Everyone remembers those days, when George “Dubya” Bush caused and didn’t cause the crisis, then worsened and eased it, then solved and didn’t solve it (source: the mainstream media on two different days). “Getting a haircut” was meant to describe someone having to accept drastically less money for something than it’s actually worth. What’s worse, financial news reporters used the clumsy expression “take a haircut,” which we think means someone else used to have a haircut, but you stole it.
Bad form, that. The last people to actually take a haircut were American Indian stereotypes in Hollywood westerns.
The tired usage
Those mega-bank suits are gonna take a haircut on this one, although everybody said they were too big to fail. For the next few days, if I were you, I would not stand directly beneath any skyscraper windows. (see plummet)
The proper usage
Y’know, Bill really should get a haircut. His head looks like Albert Einstein in a wind tunnel.
~-~-~-~-~-~
The lame expression
Fake news
The most common definition of this term is “anything the mainstream media reports that Donald Trump doesn’t like.” A more accurate definition is “anything the mainstream media reports.” Because they don’t like Donald Trump.
The tired usage
Any tweet that contains #fakenews and 131 more characters, which may or may not form actual English words
The proper usage
DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN
~-~-~-~-~-~
The lame expression
I’ve been locked out of facebook!
The tired usage
I’ve been locked out of facebook! Send me a private message if you need to know our home is unguarded LOL
The proper usage
Shut up.
~-~-~-~-~-~
~-~-~-~-~-~