(Some things, I did not need to be told.)

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Ever see, or hear, or read something – a comment in a TV ad, a warning on a product, a bizarre news story – that doesn’t really register in your head at first? It almost slips past you, masquerading as normal…and then there’s a kind of slap-back echo as the comment / warning / headline kicks in, and you realize: Somebody had to address this, because somewhere, sometime, some knuckle-dragging moron was stupid enough to hurt himself with a hair dryer while sleeping.

And then sued the hair dryer.

Imagine it: Some Saturday, somewhere in some Ozark backwater, some rube known to his friends as Spud decided to use a hair dryer on his wife, Pearline, while she was snoring away on the divan during a “road kill canning secrets” segment on this week’s episode of Abandoned Freezer Storage Wars With the Network Stars.

Spud meant well. He’d only planned to do a little stealth touch-up on Pearline, never imagining all that heated air might melt those Babyliss Pro Nano Miracurl Steamtech hair curlers that she’d done bought over to the Walgreens, fusing them to the side of her Size Eight head. After all, Spud was still sore about Walgreens’ refusing his demand for a refund, even as he pointed out the banner in the Beauty Products aisle that promised “Results Guaranteed.”

“Well, see,” Spud reasoned to the judge, “it were right obvious to me that Pearline had flat-out ducked that ‘beauty’ guarantee. So I reckoned I’d kinda sneak some beauty up on her, if you follow me.”

And lo, this actual disclaimer was born:

WARNING: DO NOT USE THIS HAIR DRYER WHILE SLEEPING

There are, of course, other lists…long, long lists…like things that are blisteringly obvious (Ears pierced while you wait!) and things that are eye-wateringly ignorant. (Three Day Sale! Friday Only). So this week, we offer some hopefully helpful tips for the Scarred Knuckle crowd — some advice mixed in with a few warnings, all peppered with personal observations for balance.

I’m just trying to help.

• If you get an email with the subject line Your Order! from someone you don’t know with an email address from a country that ends in “stan” and the email contains a zip file, resist the urge.
• Do not take the drug Norrilplanitol if you are allergic to Norrilplanitol.
• Odds are you have ventured beyond the boundaries of normal civilized behavior when your circumstances demand that you start screaming, “Don’t taze me, bro!”
• This chair is designed for sitting only.
• Guys, there are many time-tested ways to find your perfect, lifelong soul mate. Responding to an email from an unknown Eastern European woman whose entire curriculum vitae consists of the line “I have a big butt and I know how to use it” is not one of them.
• Buy your guns now! Avoid the Christmas rush.
• As a man in Georgia has discovered, if you try to explain to the arresting officer that your dog drove you to the store to buy some corn, chances are good that you will soon become what is known as “breaking news.”
• Stock up now and save! Limit two.
• Before beginning a Norrilplanitol regimen, tell your doctor about any medications you may be taking. You know, because your doctor somehow might not know what medications you may be taking. Maybe he forgot those all scripts he signed. Or maybe you copped them from a one-eyed turbaned dervish with a jagged facial scar who’s gripping a chained ferret while stroking the head of a gap-toothed under-aged Thai concubine in a Kashmir bazaar.
• You may be a winner! Details inside box. No purchase necessary.
• Do not suddenly stop taking Norrilplanitol before consulting with your doctor (or dervish), as you may experience violent eyelid spasms, a desire to wear white pants after Labor Day, or, in rare cases, death, which would make you eligible to vote for Democrats.
• Don’t back up your computer. Maybe you’re special. Maybe yours is the one that won’t crash.
• Warning: the album Kill M All, which includes titles like My Bitches, Yo Bloody Mary Yo, Quentin Tarantino‘s Kindergarten Revenge and has a man on the cover dressed in nothing but a cut-away ski mask, may contain explicit lyrics.
• Nerve damage from diabetes causes diabetic nerve pain. In other words, diabetic nerve pain is caused by diabetes doing damage to nerves. In other words…
• Do not use this cooker in the oven.
• That loud ad featuring an over-excited car salesman dressed in a buy-one-get-six-free suit with curled lapels is a bit misleading. Their brand new cars that “gotta go” are not, in fact, priced at “below our cost.” Businesses can’t sell things for less than they paid for them…at least, not for long. This is a car dealership, not the federal government.
• After heating, contents may be hot.
• Should you ever be contacted by the widow of a rich deposed member of Nigerian royalty because you apparently have a fairy godmother who hooked you up as the recipient of an unclaimed fortune from a phantom African potentate, you should probably keep on going to your day job, especially if the communication is promising to pay you in “Americans money” if you will just “sending them for address and then also phone.”
• Stop taking Norrilplanitol if you experience unusual bleeding. (Any usual bleeding, you don’t need to worry about. Just be sure to clean it up, as it tends to upset the other inmates.)
• If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor.