(Baby Boomer tip: it means “shaking my head”)

~-~-~-~-~-~

The news this past week was weird, even by American standards. As if America still had any.

Oh, there was the usual off-track wagering over whether or not this would be the week Hillary finally went to prison. There was the normal partisan finger-pointing in Congress during their normal two-day work week. And there was the expected quotidian cursing at President Trump by the professional hand-wringers in the media. In fact, the biggest panel discussion topic last week seemed to be whether or not NBC would ever get around to actually including any Winter Olympics coverage in their Winter Olympics coverage.

But there was also a massive passel of events and occurrences that, when pondered, seem just ever-so-mildly off. Just…odd. And so this week, we thought we’d share them with you, in-between NBC segments about Olympian heroes heroically exiting closets.

All the in-the-news references presented below are absolutely true, as far as you know. And so, in no particular order: THIS JUST IN!

~-~-~-~-~-~

This just in:
A driver in Connecticut intentionally crashed his car through the doors of an emergency room and then set himself on fire.
I’d say that’s pretty good planning on his part.

~-~-~-~-~-~

There he is, again.
You know, one of the many things I’m grateful for in this life is that that “My Pillow” guy didn’t invent a catheter.

~-~-~-~-~-~

Someone on facebook asked how to make a grilled cheese sandwich. That’s sad. I wonder which of the three words stumped him?
Dude, follow me here: it’s a Grilled. Cheese. Sandwich. If you’ve said it, you’ve defined it.

~-~-~-~-~-~

I just heard Joe Biden complain that Donald Trump says weird things.
As the young, thumb-typing facebook generation would say – SMH LOL.

~-~-~-~-~-~

Just saw a news tease for a piece on gender-neutral father-daughter dances.
And still, some people wonder why Earth is never visited by intelligent alien life forms.

~-~-~-~-~-~

Today, Amazon.com stock spiked 14%. For Amazon’s chief dude Jeff Bezos, that translates into a one billion dollar spike in his net worth.
Today. The guy made a billion dollars, TODAY.
I’m surprised John Kerry hasn’t proposed marriage.

~-~-~-~-~-~

Just saw a TV ad for a store named Karat Patch Jewelers. I’d like a legal opinion on that one, please. Some puns should carry a stiff fine and involve mandatory sentencing.
I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess this merchant is not in Manhattan’s Upper East Side.

~-~-~-~-~-~

According to a news report, a woman who tried to force her way into the White House was “immediately apprehended.”
But Hillary’s still walking around free. Go figure.

~-~-~-~-~-~

Personally, I couldn’t bring myself to watch the halftime show during Super Bowl LII, because I was running low on anti-nausea medication. But apparently, at some point during the audio disaster, Timber Justinlake slipped on a Bruno Mars bar and exposed Janet Jackson’s left Twix.
No music was injured, since no music was there.

~-~-~-~-~-~

This week at my day job, I wrote some code to show which agent made the most recent outbound phone call attempt.
Meanwhile this week, Elon Musk and his team at SpaceX successfully launched their Falcon 9 spaceship. Again.
My, aren’t I sexy.

~-~-~-~-~-~

Also this week, Stephen King tweeted about his deep aversion to violence.
SMH.

~-~-~-~-~-~

Here’s a helpful observation: as mortgage rates are rising, new mortgage applications are declining.
And people who stop poking themselves in the eye feel less pain.

~-~-~-~-~-~

A sitting US Governor has admitted to having an affair with a hair dresser, but denies taking pictures of her through a set of window blinds. Because, you know, that would be outrageous.
Face it, guys. When the best legal defense you can mount is “I didn’t do, um, some of those things,” it’s probably time to grab a cardboard box, head for the office, and pack up your personal possessions.

~-~-~-~-~-~

Wednesday, the shrieking media damned President Trump for using notes at a meeting.
Friday, the shrieking media damned President Trump for not using notes at a meeting.
Yeah, that’s fair and balanced.

~-~-~-~-~-~

Based on a new South Carolina tax law, drivers will soon be able to take a deduction for gasoline purchases. Later in the paragraph: Electric vehicles won’t qualify for the gasoline deduction.
Let’s be clear about this: cars that don’t use gas won’t qualify for a gas deduction.

Understand, now…some corporate drone thought that needed to be said.

~-~-~-~-~-~

SMH.