(Some notes on the thrones of power)

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Not long ago, in a heady, madcap rush of home ownershipness, I upgraded my toilets. Yes, you will be allowed to drop by and witness the glory, but like the rest of the crowd, you’ll need to wait your turn. Get in line.

In defense of this week’s focus, I suppose I should include a brief disclaimer: on the planet where humor columnists come from, this past week has been what is referred to as a “slow news cycle.” To be sure, last week’s news still starred the usual cast of characters…war, pestilence, famine, natural disasters. But enough about Southern California.

Here’s the proof: last week’s news headliner — the horrifying discovery that could forever rend the fabric of society as we know it — was the revelation that Donald Trump may have used a bad word. No, not Christmas, or patriotism, or personal accountability. We’re talking serious, make-Sally-blush, George Carlin list-level vulgarity.

This hard, harsh news did not sit well with either career liberals or the mainstream media (yeah, I know — drop the “or”), despite documented decades of insider poop (sorry) about Hillary Clinton’s gutter-speak, an alleged woman who allegedly spews curses like some character from a Quentin Tarantino weapon-fest, but with a weirder wardrobe.

President Tweety-Bird denied the boo-boo word allegation, of course, but that’s because he’s a xenophobic, cat-kicking racist Nazi who wants your uninsured naked grandmother to freeze to death in the subway while breathing sulfuric acid. (source: CNN)

Note: the first-runner-up atrocity from last week’s news involved Trump’s referring to immigration reform as a “bill of love.” Where’s the news in that? We’ve had a Bill of Love for years. He’s Hillary’s husband…occasionally.

So. Let’s move on to something interesting, something historic. The toilets I replaced in my home had, over time, grown irritatingly loud and were constantly running, much like Hillary. So I upgraded, an exercise I’ve undertaken several times since moving in. I love my house, which a realtor pointed out to me after the builder built it “to spec” and then the original purchaser backed out. The original spec home’s plan included several nice touches, fixtures, and appliances, but after the closing collapsed, the builder dispatched his “equalizers” to rip out anything custom, substitute the appliances and fixtures with hillbilly jockey-lot knock-offs, slap together any remaining details, and move on. The original deck, for example, was a second-story affair with wooden steps so poorly constructed, it was like a poorly maintained ride at some traveling backwater carnival. I eventually replaced the deck…shortly after falling through it.

And the no-longer-custom toilets I discovered on moving day looked like some cheap prop from Munchkin Town. It was like someone had forgotten and left the toilets too long in the dryer. If they hadn’t actually been in a bathroom, I might have mistaken them for some weird fraternity prank involving salad bowls.

If you’re currently shopping for some replacement thrones of your own, I can highly recommend my shiny new models from Gerber (I don’t know if they’re in cahoots with the baby-food Gerbers, and I don’t want to know). The seats are much closer to the ceiling, and they boast an eco-friendly 1.6 gpf, which I think you’d all agree is a mighty fine number of g consumed by your average f, except on Taco Tuesdays. Among other features, these toilets are touted as idiot-proof, as evidenced by the salesman’s assurance that these are the exact same facilities that doctors let Joe Biden use on his low-medication days.

Some researchers claim evidence that simple toilets may have existed as far back as 3000 BC, and things remained relatively sanitary until the fall of the Roman Empire. From this, we can derive several facts:

• Research is not all glitz and glamor, is it, guys?
• Donald Trump was directly responsible for the fall of the Roman Empire. (source: MSNBC)
• Somewhere, there’s a woman who’s been in the bathroom since 3000 BC.

By the way: in case you follow such things, each 19 November we honor the humble loo on World Toilet Day, a day when everybody celebrates what everybody’s known how to do since 3000 BC. No, not cursing…the other thing everybody knows how to do. National Cursing Day began on 7 November, the day after Donald Trump won the election. Or didn’t win. Or stole. (source: the Clinton Foundation)

Loo, of course, is the graceful British term for what American citizens call toilet, and what American journalists call Donald Trump’s mouth. It has nothing at all to do with the popular children’s song, Skip To My Loo.

Except on Taco Tuesdays.