(Not naked, your honor…allegedly naked)

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Ever dreamed of visiting Fresno, California? I know…calm down, go to the back of that long, long line, and wait your turn. It’s the holiday choice for countless vacation-seeking families … especially families who love plants, but hate pants.

You know, for someone like me – someone who trolls the papers and the internet in order to write a weekly humor column – America rarely disappoints.

Based on police dispatches filed this last year in Fresno County, there’ve allegedly been multiple sightings of a very avid (albeit chilly) in-the-buff gardener in the Kingsburg CA area, which is a three-to-five-hour drive from the standard acceptable nakedness one would expect to encounter in the streets and restaurants of San Francisco, LA, or Vegas.

Or in cathouses. Or in Congress. Which is redundant.

Here’s the back story – okay, the alleged back story – earlier this year, some of the local homeowners in central California were allegedly outdoors, enjoying not being on fire, when they allegedly noticed a large bald man allegedly watering his lawn.

This, of course, is not an entirely abnormal suburban activity, unless you live in a place that has no available water, like Mars or Flint, Michigan, or a place that has no available hoses, like Home Depot in June.

But this particular lawn-tender was large, and bald, and heavily tattooed, and stark naked. Okay, allegedly naked. The reporter filing the news story actually said that…allegedly naked.

Jurisprudence Fact of the Day: “Allegedly” is a complex legal term that translates roughly as “My client’s totally guilty, but I haven’t been paid yet.”

Soon, of course, one of the less naked homeowners called the police, after she’d finished counting the guy’s tattoos. When the first two officers arrived, they found that nothing much had changed in the wardrobe department: Large Naked Dude was still outside, enjoying what I’m guessing was not his first beer of the day. When one of the officers rightly recommended some alleged Levis, or at least a really large hat, the guy cursed, threatened to get a gun, and threw his beer bottle at the cop.

Journalism Fact of the Day: If you are outside while being large and naked, and you insist on throwing beer bottles at people who are armed, you will soon become what is known as “breaking news.”

Fortunately, the peace officer wasn’t harmed, and the beer bottle only hit a chain link fence (celebrity attorney Gloria Allred is representing the fence). Then, for good measure, Captain Buff allegedly put on a pair of shorts and went inside. At that point, given the “gun” comment, the cops called for backup.

How do you allegedly put on pants?

Just as the backup team arrived, Now-Not-So-Naked Guy came out of his house clutching another beer and an eight-inch knife, possibly intending to prune some stubborn shrubbery. When one of the officers ordered the man to either drop the knife or produce a cake, Mister Congeniality threw the knife, again hitting that same defenseless fence. Gloria Allred hiked her fee.

Thinking quickly, a member of the backup team … and I quote … “fired a bean bag round” at Large And Largely Naked, stunning the fence fiend before he could strike again.

Bested at last, the Chain Link Killer fell to the ground, and before he had the chance to remove his alleged pants, the officers had him handcuffed and de-beered, a move which very likely saved the fence’s life. Naked Neighbor Dude was transported by ambulance to a hospital for evaluation, where he intentionally put on his hospital gown backwards, flashed a ficus, and shouted personal remarks at a decorative split-rail fence.

Tourism Fact of the Day: just up the road from crime-ridden Kingsburg is the Fresno Zoo, which contains … and I quote … a “stingray touch pool.” Because, you know, when bee stings just aren’t enough.

Granted, the stingray touch pool may or may not be directly related to the Fresno County crime spree, but five bucks says Gloria Allred has the zoo on speed dial.