(Why Communist monkeys look so nervous)
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Last week, as usual, I was thumbing through papers, magazines, and internet listings, looking for something silly enough to star in this week’s humor column – an exercise that, given the current state of what passes for “culture” in America, usually takes about 12 seconds. And, as usual, American culture didn’t disappoint. Here’s the headline that grabbed my attention:
HUMAN HEAD TRANSPLANT DELAYED
I hope somebody remembered to tell the recipient…although I don’t know how you’d tell him.
There’s a website that, for whatever reason, got itself spelled alphr.com. (I had an octogenarian friend that used to pronounce some words that way…Miamr, Alaskr, Harwaiir. But she lived a gentle life free from psychotic interruptions like facebook, and head transplants, and late-night comics with an agenda. All she had to deal with was world wars.)
Maybe alphr.com is still under construction. Maybe it’s still in betr.
Anyway, according to the website, the world’s first-ever head transplant beneficiary got … um … cold feet and … um … headed for the lobby.
It’s true. The first human in history scheduled to have his skull evicted decided to cancel the surgery. Who would’ve thought. That might have forced him to go wait at the back of the “head transplant” line, but there was no line.
Who would’ve thought.
Imagine the pre-op conversation that took place in that consultation room:
Doctor: Good news! We’ve found a donor head.
Extremely Edgy Guy in a Gown: I’ve changed my mind.
Doctor: We were about to do that for you.
According to the story, the prospective patient, a Russian, had one of those debilitating diseases with hyphenated names, like the Dodd-Frank banking bill, but not nearly as crippling. But at the last minute, as pretty much every conscious biped on Earth can understand, he decided not to have his head removed, unlike supporters of Dodd-Frank.
The lead surgeon, however, a Dr. Sergio Canavero, was not deterred. He not about to take no (head) for an answer. Dr. Sergio is now looking for a Chinese volunteer who’s willing to lay back on an operating table and go all Sleepy Hollow.
Like me, you may have noticed a pattern here. All Communists. Hmm. Perhaps Dr. Serge is banking on finding a citizen of China who’s sick and tired of only being allowed to have sex twice. Or maybe the good doctor thinks there are no capitalists in the Western world who want to have their heads lopped off, because it’s not covered by ObamaCare unless your hat rode into the country on the head of a relative with a provisional work visa.
(True, there is an ObamaCare waiver that covers any French relatives of Marie Antoinette, but it’s buried on page 24,271 of the Affordable Care Act, in a rather vague “Sun King” clause.)
Not to get technical over head transplants (HA HA HA HA HA HA HA), but according to alphr.com, grafting a whole Communist head onto a bottom-heavy body is, more accurately, a body transplant, because it’s really more a matter of the head getting a new body to control, much like Harvey Weinstein interviewing an actress.
I’ll spare you the surgical details – which were way more detailed than I needed, and included the eerie bullet point “At this point, the head is ready to be moved” – but I found one phrase to be particularly stupid:
“…a risk of severe blood loss…”
Who would’ve thought.
The website went on, because nobody was around to stop them, and spent some time on the medical world’s history of experimental head swaps, mentioning lots of animals but not a word about Congress. There was a link to a monkey head transplant video (parts 1 and 2), but I didn’t make it past the opening credits.
In other medical news this week, I ran across this unexpected selection of words, as the subject line from my daily spam:
WHY ATHEIST DOCTORS HATE THIS DIABETES BREAKTHROUGH
Well, with a tease like that, of course I opened it. After all, I was unaware of the causal link between atheism and insulin. But just to be safe, I logged in to their website as someone I don’t like, so that jerk would get all the follow-up spam.
This website promised to reveal a “2,000 Year Old Blood Sugar Trick” that “Destroys High Blood Sugar” which I assumed would be “Completely Credible” because “Each Word Was Capitalized.”
And the atheist medicos, just like the crack research team at alphr.com, offered me a chance to “Watch The Shocking Video.”
Right. Shocking.
Obviously, the atheists haven’t seen the monkey head.