(Wemba-Wemba)

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Cryptids. They’re everywhere. But not really.

In Scotland, the local cryptid is known as the Loch Ness Monster. In the Himalayas, natives know it as the Yeti, or, as someone I used to know in high school put it, the Abdominal Snowman. (I have no idea how that guy from high school turned out, but I’m guessing he’s now selling used cars.)

People in western Java insist on the presence of the Ahool, which the Javanese themselves describe as “giant unknown bats.” (Personally, I’m pretty sure something can’t be giant if it’s still unknown.) Canadians claim their country hosts a sea monster…well, water monster…called the Ogopogo, which allegedly lives in British Columbia’s Okanagan Lake. But before you book that Okanagan boat cruise, let’s keep in mind that Canadian coins are also known as “loonies.”

I’m just saying.

And on and on, and on, around the globe. From New Guinea to New Jersey, from East Africa to South America, every culture seems to have a scary, hairy threat that doesn’t exist, as if Axl Rose had mated with Bob Marley and then air-dropped their offspring into unsuspecting communities, although given the invasive infection known as Snooki and “Jersey Shore,” New Jersey should’ve seen it coming.

So what exactly is a cryptid, anyway? Well, according to cryptid experts on the internet, who also don’t actually exist, a cryptid is a creature which may or may not exist, much like the cryptid experts on the internet. A cryptid’s assumed existence is based on alleged evidence such as:

• blurry photos
• footprints
• eyewitness accounts from people named in Oklahoma named Ed Bob
• Congressional indictments of Melania Trump’s footwear
• violent NYC street encounters with Alec Baldwin

Nevertheless, cryptids are the currency of cryptozoology merchants, who have managed to make a career out of claiming to document non-documentable things, like unicorns, successful tax code reform, and actual plots in any of the Mad Max sequels.

Interestingly, the cryptologists are a bit picky in their admission criteria, given that nothing they admit actually exists. Their “acceptable cryptid” definition disallows “bizarre humans,” which definitely rules out anyone who’s ever starred in a Tim Burton movie, and a rather broad category they call “insignificant creatures,” a qualifier that immediately rules out flies, game show hosts, very small dogs, and the United Nations.

As the internet keeps telling us, Earth’s nations are simply dripping with cryptids, and that’s not even counting politicians, and Bruce Jenner’s family. As it turns out, some guy named Loren Coleman (if he actually exists) has listed Earth’s Top 50 Cryptids. Here’s a few of my favorites:

• The barmanu are strong, hairy humanoids found in Pakistan; however, I’ve personally observed similar life forms recruited as defensive linemen in college football. Homeland Security, take note.
• As if British Columbia weren’t already on the cryptid map, they also lay claim to something known as the ‘Cadborosaurus,’ but my money says the ‘caddy’ was the brainchild of a BC used car salesman.
• Here at home, New Jersey notes a legend known as the Jersey Devil, which interestingly enough is an encoded anagram for Governor Chris Christie.
• Australia has the Bunyip, an Aboriginal nightmare with the face of a dog, the head of a crocodile, the tail of a horse, the bill of a duck, the tusks of a walrus, the hairstyle of Kim Jong-un, and the spending habits of a Congressman in an election year. The word ‘bunyip’ has been traced to the Wemba-Wemba, which is not relevant here, but if you think I’m going to miss an opportunity to say “Wemba-Wemba,” then we haven’t met.
• When visiting the Arabian Sea region, look out for the Arabhar: these are flying snakes, and I have to say that there is nothing in my Judeo-Christian upbringing that would allow me to believe that a benevolent God would permit such a thing as flying snakes.
• And I wouldn’t be able to sleep with myself if I didn’t include the wonderfully-monikered Mongolian Death Worm, alternately known throughout various regions as “Olgoi-khorkhoi,” “Allghoi-khorkhoi,” and “Bill Clinton.”

So, obviously the world we live in is rich with imaginary scary things, despite the fact that J. Edgar Hoover will never again confront you in the men’s room. But if you want seriously bizarre behavior, you have to go to the American South, where we regularly sigh over stuff like this: right now, police department spokesmen in Greenville, South Carolina, are advising locals not to shoot at Bigfoot.

<sigh>

Apparently, someone in South Carolina with a deer rifle and access to lots of beer ran across a Pakistani barmanu (or a Sasquatch, or maybe an NCAA defensive tackle dressed as Bambi) and the formerly sober citizen yelled “Hey, y’all, watch this!” and then scatter-shot the hapless cryptid.

Our thoughts and prayers are with the family of Bambi Barmanu. Funeral arrangements are being handled by Mongolian Death Worm Mortuary.

Wemba-Wemba.