(Only 365 seconds left before Christmas advertising!)

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Well, it’s almost the middle of August in America, so we can all begin to get ready for that tasteful, timely family favorite:

The Pre-Labor Day Christmas Sale!

Every year, it starts earlier and earlier. Every year, retailers, in their mad rush to celebrate the nativity of Jesus Christ, begin the Christmas shopping season as soon as possible…like just after Halloween. Or Independence Day.

It’s gotten out of control. Each year, we’re expected to start gift shopping right now, before it’s too late, and we’ve barely finished exchanging the pallid presents we got last year. I don’t know which advertising weasel first thought up the “Only xxx days till Christmas!” threat, but we need to find him, and hurt him.

Some years ago, November’s infamous après-Thanksgiving shopping day, Black Friday, started starting on Thursday – on Thanksgiving Day itself – and now it can kick off before Thanksgiving, or even earlier. (This year, there are unconfirmed rumors that a Target store near Notre Dame University may begin Black Friday in early September, during halftime of their first football game.)

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love Christmas. But I can do without all the leech-like marketing and the lamentably lame hall-decking. Marketing departments attach to Christmas like remoras riding a shark. And there’s something inherently unholy about Bon Jovi singing Christmas carols. (Don’t even get me started on Burl Ives.)

Anyway, since there are less than 500 days left till Christmas 2018, we’ve put together a short list of handy gift ideas, beginning with…

Very Short Books

• Geraldo Rivera’s Most Popular TV Specials
• Great Peanut Butter & Cabbage Recipes
• People Who Have Never Mocked Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Accent
• My Sober Saturdays, by Ulysses S. Grant
• Donald Trump’s Things I Won’t Tweet About
• American Teenagers Who Voluntarily Gave Up Their iPhones
• The New York Times Alphabetized List of George W. Bush’s Accomplishments
• Why We’re Famous, by the Kardashians
• Reasons For Re-electing Mitch McConnell
• My Career in Standup Comedy, by Al Gore
• Personal Responsibility in the 21st Century
• The Chernobyl Night-Life Scene
• Barack Obama’s Most Eloquent Off-the-Cuff Speeches
• Fodor’s Guide to the Safest High-Rise Hotels in Dubai
• Software Developers from India named Bob
• Forbes Guide to Five-Star Restaurants in Arkansas
• Bill Clinton’s personal memoir. Chivalry
• Siskel & Ebert’s Guide to Tim Burton Movies Not Starring Johnny Depp
• Playground Games That Won’t Harm Your Child’s Self-Esteem, by UC Berkeley
• The Telephone Directory of People Who Actually Received Money From Deposed Nigerian Princes
• Why Hillary Lost

Very Long Books

• Why Hillary Thinks She Lost
• The Telephone Directory of People Who Actually Believed They’d Be Getting Money From Deposed Nigerian Princes
• The American Marketing Association’s Mid-Summer Christmas Tie-In Opportunities
• Keith Richards’s diary
• Stuff I Really Really Hate Besides Donald Trump, by Chris Matthews
• People Who Voted For Donald Trump Anyway
• The Definitive Compendium Of Overrated Disco Hits
• Email Spammers That Think I’m A Woman With Prostate Issues Who Needs A Tactical Flashlight
• Things That Are Better Than Month-Old Pork
• ObamaCare

Gift Ideas for the Person Who Has Everything

• Tickets to the next fifteen Fleetwood Mac Final Tour tours
• Personalized Smart Phone Ring Tones (ex-wife, parole officer, IRS auditor, etc.)
• Stock shares in the latest niche-market electronics big-box chain, Worst Buy
• A yearly membership in the Cottage Cheese of the Month Club
• Monogrammed Dental Floss
• His & Hers Asian Sex Slaves
• Ronco’s “My First Meth Lab” (bail bondsman not included)
• A cameo role in Die Hard XXXI: John McClane’s Arthritis Flares Up
• Cleveland at Low Tide: A Scratch & Sniff Book
• The Home Depot Do-It-Yourself Colonoscopy Kit
• Private concert by Yo-Yo Ma’s Ma, Yo-Yo Ma-Ma
• Amazon.com’s Random Daily Purchase Generator
• Advance copy of Dan Brown’s newest thriller, Italian Undressing
• Private screening of Dan Brown’s newest movie, Italian Undressing, starring Johnny Depp as Tom Hanks
• The Where’s Waldo? Post-Apocalypse Game
• A Deposed Nigerian Prince