(It’s not what’s reported; it’s what’s repeated.)

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Well, America, here we go again. As our celebrity-obsessed culture ceaselessly searches for ways to out-silly each other, we have a new euphemism. From now on, lying will no longer be called lying.

Lying is now known as “fake news.”

Fake news. Heck, the term itself is fake. In the radio/television/newspaper world, “news” means stuff that’s happened since the last time we told you about stuff that happened. You can’t have fake news – if it’s fake, then it’s not news.

But the accusations are flying thicker than Whoopi Goldberg’s coif in a wind tunnel. Our President endlessly accuses the mainstream media of disseminating falsehoods (fake news), while the media fires right back, volley for volley, blaming the President for everything from racism to tooth decay, and for creating mosquito-borne disease.

It’s non-speak. Totally bogus babble. It’s a lot like another bogus construction we hear all the time on TV these days:

“But wait! Order now and we’ll double the offer! That’s right! We’ll send you a SECOND monogrammed Upper Bowel Polyp-B-Gone, absolutely free! You just pay a separate fee!”

That’s right. You pay us money is now known as “free.” Orwellian, eh?

And we wonder why we never get visited by intelligent life from other planets…though that may be Trump’s fault, too.

So, since society keeps adding more muddy levels of moral complexity, we thought we’d try and put together a list of solid, unshakable, universally-accepted truths…and we offer it as a public service (we do that a lot around here, due to the positive tax implications).

Remember, this timeless collection of Universal Truths can’t be found in any store! And if you act now, we’ll even include a list of Partisan Mainstream Media Allegedly Universal Truths, absolutely free! (you just pay a separate fee…)

Universal Truths

• Nothing on Earth can peel away an adult’s maturity faster than bubble wrap.
• There’s never been a single one of the Ten Commandments as faithfully honored as “Dry Clean Only.”
• Despite your parents’ concerns, it’s almost impossible to hurt yourself while buttering a bagel.
• A squirrel is just a rat with better PR.
• In the British system of government, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak. They may be on to something.

Partisan Media Allegedly Universal Truths

• Donald Trump is wrong.
• Everybody deserves everything for free, and somebody else should pay for it.
• Donald Trump is always wrong. If your facts prove he’s not wrong, then your facts are wrong.
• Hillary deserved to be President.
• All politicians are scum, except the guy from my State, ’cause he gets us, like, bridges and stuff.
• Remember when we said Donald Trump was wrong? He’s still wrong.
• In fact, Donald Trump was born wrong.

More Universal Truths, With One Allegedly Universal Truth Snuck In

• The best way to get Apple to release a new model of the iPhone is to buy the current model.
• Black people are not way better at dancing. It’s just that white people are way worse.
• More often than not, fast food is not food. In fact, sometimes it’s not even fast.
• Reality TV isn’t, the Civil War wasn’t, and miracle diets can’t.
• Nobody knows where the initialism “lol” came from, because nobody in the history of human language has ever actually spoken those three words as a stand-alone sentence.
• What’s worse, nobody cares. OMG.
• You don’t need to buy a hot water heater. Hot water is already heated.
• What you hear when you turn it up is music. What your neighbor hears when you turn it up is noise.
• Your neighbor is wrong. If your neighbor is Donald Trump, then your neighbor was born wrong.
• Don’t ever think the show “Friends” could happen to you. I’d have friends like Jennifer Anniston, too, if somebody wrote me Chandler’s lines.
• There’s nothing as delicious as that social media moment when someone online attempts to judge your intelligence by typing “Your stupid.”
• Laughing out loud.