(Be half the man you used to be!)
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If I had to guess, I’d guess that the most common New Year’s resolution among Americans is to lose weight. Either that, or to kill everybody that doesn’t like you. But let’s not drag Hillary into this.
So. If ‘losing weight’ is the most common New Year’s resolution, it stands to reason that ‘losing weight’ is also the most commonly broken resolution. Because Americans are like that – we have the collective attention span of a cocaine addict in a roomful of strobe lights.
Our short-lived national obsession with weight loss has certainly surfaced on the radar of American product marketers – and the trend-nabbers on Planet Marketing are well aware of the equally short-lived New Year’s resolution window. During the two weeks between the end of this Christmas and the first ads for next Christmas, American television is Gatling-gunned by ads promising ways for plumpish people to lose pounds without actually doing anything. We’ve all heard the teases:
- From the comfort of your own couch…
- This miracle herb…
- This amazing pill…
- This recent discovery…
- Based on an ancient Chinese…
- Vote for Hillary or your waistline will explode!
With one notable exception, Marketing seems to have universally decided to use “real people” (as opposed to “celebrities”) to promote the various fad diets. You can imagine the ad agency strategy meeting behind that decision:
“Okay, let’s go around the room. As the advertising spokesperson for our new ‘miracle diet’ product, Butt-Lop, should we go with Brad Pitt, a perky Olympic gymnast, or an oddly-proportioned Ozark softball mom named Arlene who has varicose veins snaking all the way to her neckline and a penchant for wearing wide-load Annette Funicello-era bikinis and glass-heeled hooker heels?”
As a result, Americans can’t get through the month of January without being exposed (sorry) to acres of advertising testimonials:
- Hi, I’m Brad, and I lost 25 pounds using Butt Lop!
- I’m Arlene, and since I lost 20 pounds using Tush-A-Way, my husband lets me watch the Home Shopping Network again!
- Guys, it’s not that hard. You eat the food, you lose the weight. And bowel control. And the subflooring in your bathroom. And your friends.
- My name’s Orlon. I’m a quality control expert for Apple, and I lost 655 pounds using The Chairman Mao Long March Diet & Enforced Discipline Regime.
- Hi, I’m Ted. These were my trousers before signing up for Tiny Hiney. Since then, I’ve donated the pants to the NASA Mars expedition for use as a solar sail.
Another low-profile “citizen endorsement” Get-Thin-Quick scheme is Weight Watchers, where subscribers actually get paid if they lose weight (some restrictions apply, not to mention personal insults). According to the internet, Oprah once invested in Weight Watchers, but on the way home she got stuck in traffic, and ate the shares.
There’s also something known as the South Beach Diet. Stop it. South Beach is Miami…and we know very well why everybody’s hot-hot-hotty thin in South Beach. Cocaine.
Then there’s SlimFast, which, as it turns out, seems to be a British company. And that’s just not fair…anybody that’s tried to get plump on British nosh knows why you’d manage to stay thin.
Here’s another clue: the SlimFast website suggests that, for their product to adequately deliver your desired Karen Carpenter-ness, you also “drink at least two litres of water and get some exercise.” Sorry, SlimFast – that bit of weight-loss advice dates back to, oh, Nineveh. Or maybe even the Olduvai Gorge, before they went with “gorge.”
Again according to the internet, there’s also something called the Buddha’s Diet, but it’s main tenet seems to be “slow down when you eat.” Obviously, Gautama the B never had to negotiate morning rush hour traffic while scarfing a sausage biscuit.
And, quickly. A mention. Colon Cleansing. No, I won’t go there. I won’t do it.
Of course, the exception to all these “guy on the street” diet plan endorsements is Marie Osmond, who has cast her considerable singer-songwriter support behind that waist-dehancing dieting giant, NutriMormon.
NutriMormon is a Salt Lake City-based company that markets weight loss products for large choirs that have an interest in family trees. They’re based in the State of Utah, which will hold one of the first primaries in the 2020 Presidential elections.
But let’s not drag Hillary into this.