(Honey, what’s the number for 911?)

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I think it’s probably safe to say that most Americans know what 911 is. It’s the number to call when there’s an emergency.

But that’s where the whole plan falls apart: some morons don’t know what an emergency is.

For example, there are dozens of documented cases in which extremely lonely people actually called 911 because facebook was down.

I mean, extremely lonely.

I guess they couldn’t reach the police in Farmville.

Sometimes, “emergency” doesn’t even enter into the caller’s thinking. A California man was arrested…finally…after calling 911 some 27,000 times. According to the dispatcher, “The caller would make various noises, including grunts and other bodily noises.” When the law finally nabbed the serial dialer and asked him why, he said, “Because it’s free.”

So is prison.

Elsewhere, a 4-year-old boy allegedly called 911 to get help with a math problem. We think he’ll be okay, though, down the road; obviously, he can recognize a 9 and a 1.

A woman in Oregon called 911 to register a noisy neighbor complaint, which of course is totally valid. An office was dispatched, the rowdy neighbor was chided, and there the story might have ended. But then the woman called 911 back, to try and get the officer’s phone number…because he was “so cute.”

A guy who was about to be pulled over in Sarasota, Florida, had a bright idea. He dialed 911, hoping to distract the officer chasing him. The officer did ease off, but other officers followed Cell Boy into a parking lot and arrested him. Apparently, Sarasota has more than one cop. Who knew?

Again in Florida, an outraged McDonalds’ customer called 911 because the restaurant ran out of Chicken McNuggets. The dispatcher politely told the caller to McShut up and get off the McPhone.

And speaking of food: according to one dispatcher who was interviewed for an article in Good Housekeeping, a desperate woman once called 911 on Christmas morning, because the cranberry sauce was coming out of the can in chunks. I’m guessing when the police arrived, they found her in the middle of the kitchen, shimmying wildly, because the gravy instructions read, “Shake vigorously.”

Food is often involved in 911 appeals. A woman in Fort Worth, Texas, once lodged a 911 call because the local Chinese takeaway didn’t put enough shrimp in her shrimp fried rice. This sounds like a case where Congress needs to step in and pass some regulations – not that they’d ever do anything that invasive…or stupid…

Elsewhere, a Chinese woman (no relation) called 911 because her boyfriend wouldn’t warm up her feet. Not to be outdone, the boyfriend also dialed 911, complaining that his girlfriend was too demanding. 911 then called Oprah.

And then there’s the story of the clever, like, 19-year-old Nebraskan stoner and stuff who, like, dialed 911 because, like, some dude stole his favorite hookah pipe and, like, stuff. Guess how that one ended…

A 42-year-old Pennsylvania woman called 911, asking the officers to please make her husband leave, because she wanted a divorce. I’ll bet he grants her one.

Meanwhile, back in Florida: a panicked woman called 911 from a Walgreen’s parking lot, yelling hysterically that she was locked in her car. Yes, IN her car. Fortunately for her, the dispatched officers were both geniuses who held technical engineering degrees, and they were able to explain to her how to manually grasp and pull up the little door lock thingie.

And lastly, thanks to this valuable emergency service, we may have a winner in the Biggest Loser Ever contest. A man in Oregon called 911 to complain that he was at a night club, and the bouncer wouldn’t let him go inside. The police responded, possibly just to see what an idiot of that magnitude looks like. When they arrived, the night club’s doorman said he’d kept the guy out because he was already drunker than Ted Kennedy on a long weekend with Nick Nolte. Shortly thereafter, the indignant barhopper was cuffed and hauled downtown…after the police found cocaine in his socks.

There is, however, a close Big Stupid runner-up: a burglar in Shelby County, Ohio, was busily burgling a home when he mistakenly butt-dialed 911. For whatever criminal career-based reasons, he was still in the house when the police arrived, so he fell back to Plan B: he hid in a closet while the cops searched the home.

And that’s when his phone’s low battery alarm went off.