(“Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!” – M. Python)
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Androgynous Moderator: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the second Presidential debate of the 2016 campaign season. But first, let’s interrupt one of the candidates. Guess which one.
Donald Trump: Unbeliev…
Andro-Mod: Time’s up.
More-Or-Less Female Moderator: First Lady of Arkansas and the US, Senator, Secretary of State and exceptional full-time mother, Hillary Clinton, would you like to respond?
Hillary Clinton: <cough>
AM: Well put, Madame Secretary, and may I say that I admire your choice of hidden earpieces this evening. Very fetching with the crocheted pantsuit.
Trump: Hey, toots, where’d CNN dig up this character? The guy’s so pale, he makes Johnny Winter look like George Hamilton.
FM: Hey, nobody was talking to you, skirt-chaser.
Hillary: Why is he taller than me? Sexist bigot.
Trump: <microphone problem>
AM: Before we get started, let’s take a moment to dispense with tonight’s rules, and believe me — “dispense” is exactly the mot juste. Each candidate will be asked several equally fair questions, even the unqualified guy with the potty mouth. The candidates will then be given one minute to speak, probably, followed by several minutes of Hillary ads while we fact-check everything Trump says.
FM: We would admonish the audience from applauding, yelling, or pointing out that candidate Trump is sniffing more than Al Pacino in Scarface.
AM: Okay, let’s get started. Based on this week’s announcement that health care giants Aetna and Blue Cross/Blue Shield have decided to switch to auto insurance, it is now official that ObamaCare sucks. How will you fix it?
Trump: First, I’ll ma…
FM: Not you. The attractive woman.
Hillary: I’ll throw more money at it.
AM: I adore you.
Trump: May I say someth…
FM: Madame Secretary, would you care to respond to yourself?
Trump: I see. Three-on-one, is it? Yeah, that’s fair.
Audience: <wild applause>
AM: Audience, I’ll say again – please refrain from supporting Hillary’s opponent.
Trump: <sniffle>
Hillary: Listen, America. I have a uterus. How could anybody not vote for me?
Audience: <wild applause>
FM: <clapping> Audience, I couldn’t agree more.
AM: And now, we’ll ask candidate Trump a question, if he has regained temporary control over his cocaine addiction.
Hillary: <aside to moderators> I thought in rehearsals we decided to cut that line?
Trump: Rehearsals? What the he…
AM: Ladies and gentlemen, we’ll take a quick commercial break while we sort out a few technical details regarding our retirement accounts.
<Three minutes of TV ads, including one grainy film clip of Abraham Lincoln personally endorsing Hillary Clinton>
FM: Welcome back. Candidate Trump, is it true that once, in a junior high school locker room, you snapped a towel at a classmate?
Trump: I would never do such a thing, despite the existence of a film clip of me discussing doing it.
Hillary: <agitated semaphore gestures to the moderators>
AM: <checking his playbook> I think it’s time we turned to the topic of women’s reproductive rights. Madame Secretary, would you like t…
Trump: You know, speaking of women’s rights, I see that Bill Clinton is in the audience, and he keeps staring uncomfortably at a row full of vaguely familiar women.
Bill: <staring uncomfortably> Hey. Didn’t I rape her?
Chelsea: Probably.
FM: Mr. Trump, isn’t it true that you personally invited those women to be here tonight?
Trump: Me, personally? No. I have people.
FM: Well, speaking as a woman, may I say that the way you keep looming behind Secretary Clinton on the stage tonight is menacing to women.
Trump: Looming?
AM: You keep standing up and walking around.
Trump: Toots, I’m trying to avoid looking at your partner there, the Pale Rider.
AM: Let’s take a few pre-screened questions from the audience. We’ll start with the tense, fidgety lady in the back, sporting the “Hillary Rules” tattoo on her thigh. You have a question for the next President, or at least a barbed insult to hurl at candidate Trump?
Completely Non-Partisan Randomly-Picked Lady: Mrs. Clinton, given the fact that you’re flawless, honest, and completely healthy, please share with us how you manage to maintain your girlish figure.
Hillary: Photoshop.
FM: And now a question from the large, utterly harmless-looking gentlemen in the Mr. Rogers red sweater.
Red Sweater: Mrs. Clinton, with all the heated rhetoric in this political season, are you aware that there’s a fly on your face?
Trump: Oh, please let me take this one, please please please pl…
AM: Folks, we’ll be right back.