(How I became an Angolan chess master)

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I knew it was going to be a bumpy ride when the phrase I threw at facebook’s “Translate” tool came back as “You’re dress is bim as mistress,” but Google Translate returned “are dressed is bim as owner.”

I don’t know what a “bim” is…and given the context, I’m not sure I even want to. But “you’re dress is bim” sounds like something Joe Biden would say. To children. Or nuns. And he’d emphasize the word bim to make sure you knew he meant it.

And is it owner, or mistress? Who cares, you say? Irrelevant difference, you say? I think not. Ever had your wife catch you with an owner?

The comment actually came from a facebook page I discovered while looking for something else. I don’t know about you, but that happens to me all the time. I’ll be looking up some store or website, just to make sure I don’t ever go an entire hour without buying something online, and I’ll get totally side-tracked by a nonsensical comment someone made, or a particularly bizarre image someone posted. Or I’ll be searching for somebody’s name, to see if that guy in the breaking news story, CROSS-DRESSING CIRCUS MIDGET SLAYS EIGHT, is the same “Joe Biden” I went to high school with.

This “bim” comment was posted on facebook by the friend of some guy with the absolutely splendid name, Thierno Seydou Nourou Diop. The gentlemen appears to be a female fashion designer living in Angola, though I’m afraid his colorful clothing will never make it among Manhattan’s ultra-chic: his clothes aren’t black. (Apparently, the super-chic women’s mantra is “Black is the only color we wear…until a darker color comes along.”)

According to his facebook profile, Mr. Diop speaks five languages: French, American English, Portuguese, something called Fula, and something else known as Wolof. That’s how much sharper this guy is than I: I can barely speak one language; meanwhile, he’s fluent in five…including two I’ve never even heard of. (If I were pressed for an answer, I’d have to say a “Wolof” was a character in Star Wars. Or the way Joe Biden spells wolf.)

Anyway, here are some more quotes from facebook’s trending Angolan fashion conversation, based on facebook’s translator tool, Google’s version…and my own:

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Angolan Fashions: Slt boy comment sa va.
facebook: Hi boy how his will.
Google: Hi boy how its going.
Me: So, did you hear anything back from Angola’s Got Talent?

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Angolan Fashions: Si ta le numéro de laminé Thiam tu l’appel.
facebook: If your number of laminated thiam you the call.
Google: If your Thiam laminated number you call.
Me: Good luck with that laminated thiam. I hope it doesn’t chafe.

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Angolan Fashions: Il a besoin de to.
facebook: He needs you.
Google: He needs to.
Me: I’m guessing he needs two of you.
Joe Biden: I got four letters for you – RUN.

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Angolan Fashions: Mais grand anna sama boss.
facebook: But great anna sama boss.
Google: Give any boss a same.
Me: You’re fired.

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Angolan Fashions: Renda com. Pano
facebook: Rent with. Cloth
Google: Income with. Cloth
Me: Please let me in the club. I’m with Cloth.
Joe Biden: Nuns are proud men of the cloth.

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Angolan Fashions: Kig Julian
facebook: Look, Julian.
Google: Nice one, Julian.
Me: I’ve never trusted Julian.

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Angolan Fashions: sentirá alta como blusa
facebook: You will feel high as blouse
Google: Feel high as blouse
Me: Waitress, I’ll have what that blouse is having.

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Angolan Fashions: Gravada. No fas mai.
facebook: Recorded. Near the bad fans.
Google: Recorded. Evil fans.
Me: Do you think they’ll play Free Bird?

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Angolan Fashions: Guddu fan ak wer.
facebook: Guddu is a very fan.
Google: Guddu a heroic fan.
Me: Never put gouda in a ceiling fan.
Joe Biden: Fan, shman. I want to have Barack Obama’s children.

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Angolan Fashions: yagga yagga bawul dara
facebook: The citizens of Yagga Yagga enjoy valve chess.
Google: Oh, bull butter. facebook, you just made that up.
Me: Bishop to Queen two. Valve-mate.

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