(Oops! No, let him get up by himself.)

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Lately, America has developed a disturbing trend – a sharp uptick in the number of nitwits. This worrying swell of stupid has been well-documented, according to official sources who monitor these sorts of things (me, and a friend of mine).

Mind you, we’re talking here about pedestrian morons, not the professional public pinheads in business, entertainment, and politics. We’re not pointing out (at least, not today) TV executives who make programming decisions like airing an entire season of shows based on nothing more than peering inside abandoned self-storage containers. We’ll gently glide past the hardware stores who will happily sell you a clothes dryer, but then tell you the power cord is extra. And we’ve not enough time to discuss politicians who think the best way to keep Iran from getting nuclear weapons is to give Iran nuclear weapons.

No, it’s the Joe Sixpack portion of the population, increasingly displaying a remarkable lack of intelligence, who are most concerning. Maybe they need some help. Maybe from time to time, we ought to just point out some stupid things, things that will help them on their quest to becoming a better idiot.

Yes, let’s.

• Twelve cases of beer does not count as one item, even though it’s all beer. Get out of the Express Lane, idiot.
• If you order three Big Macs, a large order of fries, and then ask for a Diet Coke, you may not be fully grasping the whole “balanced diet” thing.
• You have been lied to. There is no prize you can win, no matter how many hundreds of miles you drive with your turn signal on.
• Depending on facebook for your news is like getting anxiety therapy from George Costanza.
• If you show up armed at the White House and then ignore repeated orders from the Secret Service to drop your weapon, the chances are good that you will soon become what is known as “Breaking News.”
• Men: Never ask a woman if she’s pregnant. Women: Never ask a man if he’s ever thought about getting a doctor to look at that hump.
• Despite all their threats and yelling, the car dealership will in fact have some more cars for sale next week.
• If you’re concerned that you don’t own a frying pan that will survive if you run over it, maybe meals aren’t your biggest problem.
• Generally speaking, NO FISHING FROM BRIDGE is not intended to be a challenge.
• Neither is ROAD CLOSED DUE TO FLOODING.
• There’s nobody in Jethro Tull named Jethro, nobody in Pink Floyd named Floyd, and The Police aren’t really.
• If you’re intelligent enough to read a warning label, then you’re should already bright enough to know not to use a hair dryer while you’re sleeping. Or maybe you’re not. After all, there’s a reason the lawyers had to put that label on the box. Maybe you were the reason.
• You are no longer allowed to make fun of anybody, anywhere, for anything, ever…with one exception. There is only one person, of one minority, on this entire planet whose accent you can safely mock. That person is Arnold Schwarzenegger.
• Over time, you will save a lot of money if you learn there’s a difference between the speed limit and the Federal interstate highway numbering system.
• The State Department has been caught editing video, or as it would be called if you or I did that, “destroying evidence.” But you liberals go right and keep on believing that Hillary is in your corner, okay?
• Yes, there is a reason we included that in this list.
• Idiots.
• If the HR department at work calls you in to face a charge of sexual harassment, search deeply within your vocabulary for a better response than “That’s not what your sister said.”
• If you’re driving to catch a plane and you see a sign saying AIRPORT LEFT, it’s okay to keep driving. The airport is still there.
• Let’s put it this way: “Please do not feed the bears” means exactly the same thing as “Please do not be the bears’ food.”