(Whaddaya mean, the cart’s not included?)

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Have you noticed a recent uptick of weirdness in England? It’s brutal. Their currency’s worth less than Michael Vick’s annual ASPCA deduction; they’re being overrun by foreigners whose religious views are, shall we say, avid; and their Queen oscillates between being AWOL and being inept and clueless.

Oh, wait. That’s not England. That’s us.

Over here in America, we’ve got weird, too … especially these last few weeks. Witness:

• A funeral home in Michigan has added a drive-thru window, you know, so on-the-go mourners can pay their last disrespects. Touching, isn’t it? “Sure, I liked Harold, but not enough to park.”
• Fast food employees who have entry-level jobs are protesting because they have entry-level jobs. But their plan to achieve upward mobility is a novel one: stand on sidewalks, chant, and point out their vital CEO-level skillsets by waving hand-lettered signs proclaiming WERE WORTH MORE and GIVE US WHAT WE ARE DESERVE.
• In the Middle East, a militant army is re-raping Iraq and rapidly stockpiling weapons of mass destruction that don’t exist. The Pentagon can’t get involved until they come up with a respectably stern battle campaign name, like Operation Death Rainbow or Inevitable Desert Enema. And the generals can’t agree on a name because the pesky junior varsity militant army keeps changing their hashtag: ISIL, ISIS, IRIS, I♥SAND. In fact, for a few hours late Tuesday, they called themselves LOIS, which resulted in Bill Clinton asking them out.
• The stock market is behaving like a particularly flimsy boat in a particularly bad storm. One day, the Dow Jones is lower than Han Solo’s temperature at Jabba the Hut’s place, the next day it’s higher than Madonna’s pulse during Fleet Week. Those numbers fluctuate more than O.J. Simpson’s polygraph.
• Many patch-elbowed collegiate morons continue to call Israel a threat to the entire Arab world, which, if you’ve checked an atlas lately, would be like Pinocchio losing both legs to termites and then body-slamming that whale.
• A school district in Nebraska is insisting its teachers stop referring to boys and girls as “boys and girls,” claiming that limiting the gender of a person to a person’s gender is too restrictive. When teachers asked what words they could use instead, the district’s deep thinkers went with “purple penguins.” Michelle Obama immediately modified school lunch menus to include raw fish.
• The Obama Administration has now been caught up in so many scandals that they’ve run out of “gates” and are having to use a numbering system. Vice President Joe Biden was tasked with promoting the plan by standing near live microphones and cursing.
• In Washington State, a high school football player gets accused of rape…twice…but coaches let him play anyway. Meanwhile, in Athens, Georgia, a football player gets accused of accepting a rabid fan’s money in exchange for his signature, but he gets “suspended indefinitely.” And he should be suspended. Any real jock would’ve used his agent as a middleman.
• Ebola-gate, so poorly mismanaged by CDC-gate (a division of NIH-gate), has gotten so bad that on the 4-par ninth the President nearly shanked his fairway shot into the rough. To handle this latest instance of Incompetence-gate, the US King President created yet another Czar. When challenged by a reporter about all these Russian-era references, the White House spokesman snorted indignantly, called the reporter a racist, and referred him to the Department of Rasputin.
• An obviously bored reporter bagged this envied scoop: why does Bono, U2’s front man, always wear sunglasses? Turns out the Irish singer/activist is the illegitimate love child of Ray Charles.
• Fact-checkers discovered that the Ebola Czar is a career bureaucrat whose health care résumé is a rather short document describing how, in the sixth grade, he once played “Operation” for nearly 15 minutes. Marcus Welby has better AMA cred than this guy. A list of more medically-qualified choices would’ve included Dr. Scholl, Dr. Suess, and Dr. No.
• Editor’s note: We’re pretty sure Dr. Ruth would not belong on the list. But let’s not drag Bill Clinton into this.
• Editor’s note: We also considered adding Dr. Strangelove to the list. But let’s not drag Bill Clinton into this.

But now we’ve got something new to worry about. Get ready for…

Walmart getaway cars.

Recently, at a Walmart in Michigan, a woman decided to steal some $600 worth of clothing, which at standard Walmart pricing would be approximately 465 million camo dress shirts. (Although a more tasteful thief might have nabbed twenty or thirty thousand berry-colored jumpers with furry pink rabbit appliqués and the stitched message “Grandmas R 4 Ever.”)

A short time later, after the police arrested her two miles away from the Walmart, she said she’d decided to make her getaway … in a Walmart motorized wheelchair … because she “just didn’t feel like walking.”

Maybe she should’ve stolen some sneakers.

And now the lawlessness is spreading: it’s becoming a spree; multi-State crime wave, at six miles an hour. In New Mexico, an 18-year-old man stole one of Walmart’s electric shopping carts and used it to drive himself to a meeting.

A meeting with his probation officer.

Whoa.

According to the police report, Walmart will be pressing charges against the New Mexican MENSA candidate.

And I hope he gets what he are deserve.