(Yet.)

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Once upon a time, I had a job, and my boss was a bipolar dwarf.

It didn’t really work out.

We called the dwarf Turbeaux — not to his face, of course. We called him Turbeaux about a foot above his face.

Because, you know, he’s a dwarf.

Turbeaux was a vile little creature with a Montana-sized temper and a Barbados-sized fuse. I’d taken a job as a website developer for an ad agency, and Turbeaux had somehow managed to get himself hired as head of the department, apparently because he’d wowed management with some more-or-less memorized internet buzz words, like hits, and google it, and porn.

In many ways, Turbeaux was a gift. At any moment, he’d spew some deliciously ignorant malaprop:

• We need to register both of those ptomaines
• Let’s focus on surge engine optimization
• Okay, stroll down. Keep strolling.

Fanning the flame was the fact that this doomed, short-lived stint with the bipolar dwarf was my first gig in eight years working for someone else, if you don’t count the IRS. It also represented the first time — after eight calm, productive, sanity-filled years working from home — that I would not only have to go to somebody’s offices, but I’d have to stay there all day, all week, every week.

So. If you start with those handicaps and then throw in a bipolar dwarf with bad ‘tude and a serious case of Short Man Syndrome…well, it didn’t really work out.

But no matter how bad things are, things could always be worse. I can imagine a lot of jobs that, for various reasons, would be way worse than just hanging around waiting for the veins to pop in a bipolar dwarf’s forehead.

For example, one of these could be your worst job ever, because…

…because of the people you’d have to work for

• Security expert at Target
• Morals coach for the US Congress
• Nick Nolte’s barber
• John Boehner’s joke writer
• The RN saddled with colonoscopy prep for Toronto Mayor Rob Ford
• The kid who delivers the paper to Kim Jong Un
• Ozzy Osbourne’s official interpreter for trips to the Vatican
• Staff in charge of White House blame-shifting
• Vladimir Putin’s food taster
• Rob Ford’s food taster
• Whoever ghost-writes Geraldo Rivera’s autobiography
• The guy who provides the “global situation” daily debrief to Joe Biden
• Miley Cyrus’ therapist
• Miley Cyrus’ therapist’s therapist

…because of the people you’d have to work with

• Sensitivity trainer for the Seattle Seahawks
• Security system salesman in Appalachia
• Birthday party rent-a-clown in Stephen King’s hometown
• Manager of a kosher deli in South Georgia
• Voice coach for Roseanne Barr’s “National Anthem” comeback
• Bathroom attendant at the Malibu Barbie Bulimia Institute
• Any Factor guest who doesn’t agree with Bill O’Reilly
• Burqa saleswoman who got stuck with the Victoria’s Secret route
• Owner of a Buick dealership in that part of Pennsylvania where people call each other “thee”
• Bartender at the Cotton Mather Youth Summer Camp
• Cast extra for the Quentin Tarantino remake, Snow White & the Seven Meth-Addicted Dwarves
• Baskin-Robbins franchisee in Fargo
• Confession priest at the NSA
• The cheerleading coach at Kabul Junior High
• Hot tub maintenance at Big Lucy’s Dude Ranch for the Morbidly Obese

…because of the things you’d have to do

• Dennis Rodman’s dentist
• Paula Deen’s foot massager
• Customer service rep at facebook’s complaint center
• Gay Rights promoter in Daytona Beach during Bike Week
• Pizza delivery guy in Detroit
• The person responsible for updating the ObamaCare documentation
• Mount Rushmore orifice cleaner
• The Wizard of Oz stage manager in charge of winged monkeys
• Walmart greeter in Denver on Discount Marijuana Day
• Bicycle courier in Machu Picchu
• Medical examiner at Six Flags Over Chernobyl
• Justin Bieber’s publicist-slash-bail bondsman
• A Jehovah’s Witness in Haight-Ashbury
• The staffer who has to pick up Andrew Weiner’s snaps at the PhotoMart
• Richard Simmons’ personal valet
• Vegas airport security guard in charge of pat-downs during a Plus-Sized Model convention
• Hillary’s fact checker

…because of the things you couldn’t do

• Hillary’s fact checker

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See what I mean? And you thought your job was lame?

So. Next Monday morning, be thankful — remember, no matter how bad things are, at least your job doesn’t involve disposable gloves, Toronto’s Mayor in a toss-away paper gown, and you saying:

“Okay, now cough.”