(Calling the first day of summer ‘MidSummer’ was a clue)

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What does the first day of summer mean to you?

• Anticipation: only 604,822 more seconds till college football season
• Aggravation: the electricity part (A/C) of your utility bill skyrockets…but the gas part (heat) doesn’t drop.
• Reruns: remember all those network TV shows that sucked last fall? They’re back, they still suck, and now it’s hot outside, too.
• Summer vacations: that annual road trip where the family spends 2-8 weeks driving around America looking at famous Civil War latrines, in-between eating fried lard omelets and four-decade-old pecan logs at 5,000 identical, insipid exit-ramp restaurant/gift shops, as the children forget the Fifth Commandment, and the parents struggle with the Sixth.
• Pagan rituals (see ‘summer vacations’)

Here in America, the first day of summer is relatively low-key…compared to other places and other times. Throughout the years, summer’s first day has been feted by groups as diverse as Druids and Wiccans, Mayans and Aztecs, the Vikings, the Chinese, the Black Panther/Paula Deen Coalition, and Cubs fans.

Traditionally, summer begins on a day called the “solstice,” an ancient Latin term combining the words “Sol” (the Sun) and “stice” (more than one sti). Astrologically speaking, the summer solstice is the longest day of the year, except for the day you had that introductory lunch with your fiancée’s mother.

Of course, many cultures celebrate the sun, since almost every culture has, at one time or another, looked up. Across the world, the first day of summer is also known as MidSummer, Alban Hefin, Feill-Sheathain, Whit Sunday, and my personal favorite: Thing-tide.

“Bill! How’s it going?”
“Same old. You?”
“Well, I’ve got that gastric thing flaring up again – crazy – had to hose dow…”
“Wow, look at the time! Look, Ted, I gotta get go…”
“You guys doing anything special for Thing-tide?”

As every public school student knows on the day of the test and then promptly forgets, our calendar is peppered with days that cultures have used to mark the procession of seasons: the solstice (summer & winter); the equinox (vernal & dorsal); laundry day; Super Bowl Sunday; Labor Day Weekend; National Civil War Latrine Remembrance Half-Hour.

When Americans hear “summer solstice,” normally we immediately think of the Druids, or beer. But by doing so, we cheat ourselves of some fabulous history, much of it deliciously stupid. Witness:

Centuries ago in China, before they discovered American debt, the Chinese had to actually work, and grow their own food. In those ancient days, they welcomed the summer solstice with a ceremony honoring the earth, femininity, and the “yin” part of the yin-yang force. (Yang was celebrated at the winter solstice, with an alternate focus on the heavens, masculinity, and Connecticut real estate.)

In ancient Greece, solstice marked the one-month countdown to something they called “the Olympics,” an athletic competition between naked, alabaster-colored men who had zero body fat and no pupils, if you can believe the statues. This 30-day heads-up gave Olympian hopefuls plenty of time to dope up on steroids. (or, as it was known back then, to “get they Spartan on”)

The Grecian summer-welcoming festival was called Kronia, during which slaves were treated as equals from 2pm to about 3:15. Kronia was just one of hundreds of festivals on the Hellenic calendar, but I guess that’s to be expected in a culture that lets guys run around in the nude tossing spears and stone Frisbees.

Meanwhile, the neighboring Romans were celebrating Vestalia, which paid tribute to Vesta, the goddess of the hearth. Yes, that’s what I said: hearth. They had a god in charge of nothing but ashes and andirons. (Those Romans were deity maniacs – they had specialty gods for everything. In ancient Rome, being a god was like working in the US government, but with less corruption.)

The annual Vestalian fun included sacrificing an unborn calf, which you’d have to admit would be a tricky proposition, then or now. (relevant god: Plannus Parenthoodus)

(Initially, Vesta was also the Roman goddess in charge of guarding virginity. But once those Greeks next door invented the college fraternity system, Vesta resigned her chastity commission.)

Elsewhere in Europe, pagan rituals took on regional flavors. In Germany, the land that gave us beer, lederhosen, and men named ‘Helmut,’ MidSummer was welcomed with raging bonfires. (relevant god: Safetyhelmut Firehosen) Other pagans would celebrate by staying up all night, beering and paganing till dawn, which is were we get the term “frat haus.”

The ancient French called solstice the Feast of Epona, in honor of Epona, the patron goddess of horses and mules. During the festival, the French would raise prices, whine about all the boorish American tourists who were ruining things for everybody, and then they would surrender to a mule.

In Lithuania, MidSummer revelers would roll a wheel up a hill, soak it in tar, cover it with straw, set the wheel on fire, and shove the flaming thing back down the hill in the river, as one might do when there’s nothing on but reruns. Some of the more enthusiastic villagers would run alongside the wheel as it clambered down the hillside, leaping back and forth over the flames. (see ‘college fraternity’)

Vikings, they say, used to meet at summer’s onset to resolve disputes, attend insensitivity seminars, and try to spell “Minnesota.” Massive crowds would gather to vote for their favorites in that year’s “Who Wants To Marry A Pillager!”

Also associated with MidSummer is St. John’s Day, a day commemorating John the Baptist, who created the casserole and the hot dish supper. On St. John’s Day, nervous pagans wore protective garlands of herbs and flowers to ward off evil spirits and other college groups. One favorite plant was called “chase-devil,” a plant we now know as St. John’s Wort, and which is still used today as a “mood stabilizer” by pungent, liberated women who wear loose clothing, forget to finish their sentences, and have names like Chrysalis and BeBe.

It’s true that solstice was also observed in the Americas, but very little is known about summer’s importance to, say, the Aztecs, because the minute any enterprising reporter started to scribble, some roving coca leaf-jacked Panther Deity would pop up and pull out the guy’s heart.

But despite all this fascinating history – some of it actually true – let’s not deny the Druids their due. After all, that’s the image we always conjure: Druids at Stonehenge, humming tunes by Pink Floyd.

On the other hand, recent research confirms that, while the Druids did lead MidSummer rituals, those rituals did not take place at Stonehenge. And…well, let’s be honest…Druids without Stonehenge is about as interesting as an Aztec Panther Deity whose wife’s making him order the salad bar.

And then there’s the Wiccans.

For those of you who don’t know, Wicca is a “modern pagan, witchcraft religion” that “promotes oneness with all that exists” and has an agricultural policy that’s based on “naked women walking through gardens.” Wiccans also worship a “pregnant Godddess,” though they can’t spell her.

Maybe it’s just me, but I’m always a bit cautious about signing on with cults that claim to know the secrets of the universe, but who can’t grasp the mysteries of the Great Pregnant Spellcheck Godd.

The Wiccans refer to MidSummer as “Litha” (literal translation: ‘Thing-tide’). Litha is typically a time for weddings (see ‘pregnant goddess’) or handfasting (don’t ask).

Whatever your Wiccan interests, it’s a busy calendar during Litha: there’s the crowning of the Sun King, the death of the Oak King, the ascension of the Holly King, Alan King, & Larry King, and the ordeal of “the Green Man” (literal translation: ‘Al Gore’).

According to one Wiccan website, Litha is truly a madcap time, almost as antic-rich as Samhain (Buck-Naked Hay Baling) and Beltane (Mule Fetus Appreciation Day), though not quite as out-of-control as Lughnassadh. (Fraternity Pledge Week)

For more information on your lucrative career as a white witch, check out the jaw-droppingly ugly and furiously un-spellchecked Wiccan website at twopagans.com. (I guess pagans-r-us.com was already taken.) Be sure to click on the Litha Vamp. And don’t forget to visit their Adoptions Page!

By the way, the website domain onepagan.com is still available. But don’t dawdle…some franchise-minded Panther Deity is gonna snap that up.

Happy summer!