(Our favorite grumpy columnist finally meets her neighbors)
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This week, the hottest news stories in America are
- The Super Bowl
- The Presidential campaign
- Various people butchering the National Anthem
(Oddly enough, all of these topics involve Roseanne Barr. Well, not all at once.)
So, naturally, given these world-shaping stories that are competing for everyone’s attention, I’m going to address the obvious burning topic:
Apartment maintenance.
And we’ll let Abby handle the butchering.
Now, for those of you who haven’t met her, Abby Redux is an advice columnist who drops by from time to time. Abby has several interesting characteristics:
- She has the same first name as another famous advice columnist
- She has a very bad attitude, an extremely cynical demeanor, and no patience whatsoever
- She doesn’t actually exist
(Oddly enough, neither does Rosanne Barr. Well, not all at once.)
Normally, Abby fields questions about life, love, and relationships, and then helpfully lobs back scathing insults. But this week, things got weird, as things sometimes will, especially when you’re making them up. This week, we’ve got her handling emails – maintenance requests (yes, they’re real) from residents (no, they’re not real) at Abby’s apartment community, Belle Leigh Acres. (also not real, but it should be)
And if you think there’s a whole lot of unreality going on here, you should see the Presidential campaign…
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Dear Abby Redux,
The vent keeps running and won’t turn off.
Signed, Tony
Dear Tony,
Don’t worry about it. But please let us know if the light starts sucking air out of the room.
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Dear Abby Redux,
The toilet runs inside itself.
Signed, Rey
Dear Rey,
We’ll get you a more outgoing toilet.
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Dear Abby Redux,
The heater will not turn on at all, and when it does, it won’t blow hot air.
Signed, Marla
Dear Marla,
Won’t turn on at all, eh? Except when it does, huh? Okay, here’s the plan. We won’t come fix it, but when we do, we won’t not fix it. At all.
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Dear Abby Redux,
The fridge light is out again.
Signed, Unit 311
Dear 311,
Remember, earlier this year? Our little “plugging in the appliances” tutorial? Remember?
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Dear Abby Redux,
The disposal has started smoking.
Signed, Hubert
Dear Hubert,
You should see my place. The microwave has started drinking, the Panini machine’s playing poker till all hours, and the vanity mirror’s addicted to vampire novels.
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Dear Abby Redux,
The towel rack in 114 needs a drywall nil.
Signed, Call Center
Dear Call Center,
We’ll be sure to not do anything.
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Dear Abby Redux,
The fridge light is out again.
Signed, Unit 311
Dear 311,
We’ll fix it again. In the meantime, shine the vent on it.
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Dear Abby Redux,
The garbage disposal doesn’t work. It hasn’t worked since John moved in.
Signed, Call Center
Dear Call Center,
Please have John stop living under the sink. Obviously, he rusts.
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Dear Abby Redux,
The kitchen lights are leaking.
Signed, Andrea
Dear Andrea,
Do you know Tony, the guy with the running vent?
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Dear Abby Redux,
The widow in the master bedroom is cracked.
Signed, Bruce
Dear Bruce,
That’s your opinion. Listen, there’s a guy down the hall who lives under his sink.
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Dear Abby Redux,
The tenant fell and put a hole in the wall.
Signed, Call Center
Dear Call Center,
The landlord will send condolences and then put a hole in the tenant’s deposit.
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Dear Abby Redux,
The fridge light is out again. This has happened before.
Signed, Unit 311
Dear 311,
Happened before what?
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Dear Abby Redux,
Please remove the hair from the guest bathroom, which belonged to the previous owner.
Signed, Anna
Dear Anna,
Well, of course the bathroom belonged to the previous owner. The hair, though? That could be anybody’s. I suggest you shower at the Y.
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Dear Abby Redux,
There’s a dead frog or mouse in the third bedroom.
Signed, Kamir
Dear Kamir,
I’m gonna need to know if it’s a frog or a mouse. We’re a Union shop.
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Dear Abby Redux,
The washer damaged our trowels.
Signed, Tom & Lisa
Dear T&L,
Yeah, when it comes to shovels, washing machines can be a bit finicky. You might want to look into going outside to hose down your garden tools. Have you buffet-slayers considered eating with forks, like normal-sized people?
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Dear Abby Redux,
The ice maker needs to be checked to see if it is working in the off position.
Signed, Joe
Dear Joe,
I’m gonna go out on a limb here – you’ve never been a returning ‘Jeopardy’ champion, have you, Joe?
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Dear Abby Redux,
There is a wet spot in the living room floor that is wet.
Signed, Cissy
Dear Cissy,
Shut up.
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Dear Abby Redux,
The AC is leaking through the wall. The resident stated that this happened last summer.
Signed, Call Center
Dear Call Center,
It happened last summer, and now they’re whining? Tell them to review the ‘Statutes of Limitations’ section in our Resident Manual. Tell them to review it last summer.
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Dear Abby Redux,
The dishwasher leaks when in use from the bottom.
Signed, Sid
Dear Sid,
Yeah, I would think it might.
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Dear Abby Redux,
There appears to be a wet spot on the left as you come in. The carpet stays wet. There is a dog in the home.
Signed, Call Center
Dear Call Center,
Shoot the dog. If you think it’ll help, shoot the carpet, too.
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Dear Abby Redux,
This is a 2nd request. The first request was pickled up by maintenance.
Signed, Freddie
Dear Freddie,
Odd that you should choose the word “pickled.” Wait till you see our night watchman.
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Dear Abby Redux,
The bathroom fan in 240 is not working. She would like Jose to do in.
Signed, Call Center
Dear Call Center,
Yeah, I just bet she would.
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Dear Abby Redux,
I have ants in my kitchen. Come any time, I only have a cat.
Signed, Antonio
Dear Antonio,
So you have ants and a cat. You, sir, are in serious violation of our pet policy.
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Dear Abby Redux,
Over half the home is without power. Please wear booties.
Signed, Tammy in 5-D
Dear Tammy,
Sorry, it’s Jose’s night to wear the booties.
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Dear Abby Redux,
The smoke alarm was going off for no reason and they smell a burning odor.
Signed, Call Center
Dear Call Center,
Mmm hmm. So, what part of ‘for no reason’ stumped you guys?
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Dear Abby Redux,
The outside lights in the common areas are all out inside the building.
Signed, LeeAnn
Dear LeeAnn,
Let me guess, sweetheart. English is a second language.
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Dear Abby Redux,
Refrigerator is smoking in back.
Signed, Mary
Dear Mary,
Another fridge hittin’ the pipe, eh? Okay, hang on, I’ll contact Chilled Protective Services. We’ve got to nip these things in the bud.
By the way, you didn’t see my Panini machine out there, did you?
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Dear Abby Redux,
The resident’s head is not coming on.
Signed, Call Center
Neither is yours, Call Center.
Neither is yours.
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