(An odd Valentine’s Day for America’s favorite irritable columnist)

Dear Abby Redux,
Dude. Thank goodness for, like, co-workers and stuff! omg! Valentine’s Day almost slipped up on me again! I, like, totally forgot, like I do, like, every year and all. LOL! My bad!
Signed,
Just In Time

Dear Just,
Just wondering – what’s the opposite of “my bad?” My good? And what did you people, like, use, before we, like, invented, like, “like” and stuff?
And yes, co-workers are nice. But in your case, I’d give thanks for nepotism.

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Dear Abby Redux,
I saw this TV ad for a steamy little Valentine’s Day present called the Hoodie-Footie. I’m thinking of ordering one for my old lady. And the ad says that she can just unzip the left foot part entirely, so that’ll come in handy since that ferret accident. The garment comes in some kind of orgasma hatbox, too. Heck, you can even get your Hoodie-Footie montagrammed with a pet name!
Signed,
Jesse “Tiny” Tompkins

Dear Cary Grant,
Montagrammed, eh? I can just imagine that breakfast table conversation. “Honey, how ya spell bodacious?”

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Dear Abby Redux,
We just got back from my daughter’s Fifth Grade League basketball game, where the League schedulers made some kind of terrible mistake. Our poor Fifth Graders were beset by giants! Those opposing girls were huge! All the other team’s players must live near a nuclear reactor. Four of them were taller than me. Their center, I’ll bet, was Fifth Grade Class President for, oh, eleven-twelve years, and two of ’em surely were voted Most Likely To Sell A Jersey And Go Pro. And I’m pretty sure that, at some point in the distant past, I dated their power forward.
But, I’ll have to admit, they were very nice young ladies!
Signed,
Extremely Repressed Suburban Male

Dear Tad The Hardy Pioneer,
I’d be nice, too, if I got my sunlight 20 minutes earlier than everybody else.

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Dear Abby Redux,
For the Valentimes Day, I reckoned to get my young ‘un, Earline, a nice play-pretty. Our innernet provider’s got a free “speed upgrade” going on. You reckon my girl Earline would like some free speed?
Signed,
Big Earl

Dear Big,
I’m guessing that, yes, Earline will know what to do when given a bunch of free speed. Yes. Alternatively, you might consider passing along, to your cherished daughter, your equally treasured lifetime membership to Mensa.
Have you guys ever thought about upgrading to the outernet? Ask your “innernet” provider about that. Please. Ask ’em. And please let me know what they say. Please.

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Dear Abby Redux,
Did you hear? President Obama finally quit smoking! What a nice Valentine’s Day gift to all of us in America!
Signed,
Adoring Fan Of Such Absolute Perfection In A Man

Dear Former MSNBC News Talent,
Let’s not get carried away just yet. True, the First Michelle has apparently alleged that her husband has quit smoking. And if she finally set her jaw and put her foot down, I’ll bet he did quit, too. I mean, face it – he’s gotta live with her.
Heck, look at us! The rest of the country just stands around out here in the street, and she won’t even let us eat a Twinkie.

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Dear Abby Redux,
An odd thing, to think how many of the puny American males, right now, are putting their romantic relationships in the hands of a tattooed teddy bear, some PJs in a hatbox, or one of those mutated cabana towels known in America as a Hoodie-Footie. Not such, for me. I am Latin. I am full of the romance.
Signed,
Cabrezio del Chesthair Grande

Dear Get Over Yourself,
Eleventh-hour grocery-store flowers again, eh, Casanova? Forgot again, did you, schmuck?

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Dear Abby Redux,
Hey, it’s me. The guy that created you. I hope you’re still having fun, and I still hope you don’t mind my creating you. I had to do it, ’cause you’ll say things I can’t. People are funny about what’s funny. It’s fascinating to watch where people place their own sacred cows. To him over here, dogs and guns are funny, but not cats. To her over there, cats and Baptists are funny, but not Catholics or guns. Dubya was fair game, but not Obama. I guess banana peels are still funny … but not when it’s your foot.
Signed,
Straw-Head

Dear Dad,
I couldn’t agree more. I think there’s only one universal constant: Arnold. Nobody doesn’t like Schwarzenegger jokes. He’s like the Sara Lee of comedy.

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Dear Abby Redux,
Eureka! I’ve found the perfect Valentine’s Day gift for my little hottie. Did you know you can order, over the internet, a custom teddy bear that reflects “what she does at work?”
Signed,
Top Of The World At Twenty-One

Dear So Much Yet To Learn,
Imagine it. “Honey, how ya spell petty larceny?”

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Dear Abby Redux,
I wrote y’all earlier on, about a Valentimes Day gift for my young ‘un. I have since learnt that our innernet provider’s “free speed upgrade” is only $39.99 extra a month. That’s a pretty spankin’ good deal, don’t you reckon?
Signed,
Big Earl

Dear Big Earl,
Keep digging, Einstein. I hear their “deluxe” package is even MORE free.
Keep digging. And if you run out of time, you can always lob a little teddy bear or a Hoodie-Footie at Earline.

That, or a camouflage Snuggie.

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