(Small town America can be a great vacation destination, but not if it’s this small)

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Here in my town of Creyer (it’s pronounced “Cur”), there’s lots to do this summer. And for me and my fellow citizens, that’s welcome news indeed.

We’re just like you. We’re all waist-deep in it, buffeted by a besieged economy. Proud Americans, not supported by (and not supporting) government bailouts, hand-outs, and cop-outs. Everybody is looking for ways to save a little money. Nobody can afford fancy vacations, unless they’re actually employed by Social Security. So this year, we’re spending our holidays at home. Just like you.

And just like you, our summer’s highlight is Independence Day. This year, though, we didn’t get around to it until a week later, because our Mayor, Carl “Big Carl” Sweeney, owner of Big Carl’s Funeral Parlor And Fireworks Emporium, couldn’t afford to give out calendars, so we all forgot.

But our Tenth of July celebration was mighty fine.

Over at Wiener World, nobody was surprised when Curlene Getwilder, Otto and Candy’s distinctive daughter, won the hot-dog-eating contest again. There was the usual, petty bickering about Curlene’s having that handy third arm – as if it was her fault Otto raised his family on that land out by the nuclear reactor. But all the smart money’s still on Curlene for this fall’s Quilting Bee.

Cotton Mather Elementary’s K-3 choir, the “Chaste Cherubs,” held an evening concert featuring a cute original piece, “Rap Songs That Momma Allows,” which lasted about 8 seconds. Sadly, they were out-shrieked by used car dealers, up and down the Creyer Auto Strip, taping once-in-a-lifetime discounts for their twice-weekly TV ads.

Big Carl’s twin girls, Euphoria and Carl’s Junior, subjected us to a public reading of their 248 “Why I Love Sweet Tea” haiku poems. Yep, all 248. (It’s never a good idea to rile up Big Carl)

Line dancing, performed by Our Ladies Of Perpetual Gastritis, began nicely. But then somebody spiked the cider, and the good sisters got absolutely looped. Police suspected Tommy “Towhead” Grimes, who runs “Grimes of Passion,” that little novelty boutique out by the landfill. In any case, Towhead got hauled in later in the day, after getting caught lobbying his own version of the stimulus bill to Big Carl’s twins. In an unrelated story, the entire Creyer Anti-Marijuana League was arrested when their meth lab was raided.

The Charismatic Serpentarium’s Anti-Liberal Society hit a homer with their “Pin the Tail on the Democrat” contest. And this year, nobody was injured during the annual Running of the Pit Bulls, although Tookey Ankle, night manager at Pawpaw’s Fine Jewelry And Bait Shop, did gore a dog.

Tyrell’s Pole Dancing And Lunch Buffet sponsored the Creyer Member-Guest Pig Pull. In my town, a pig pull is not a barbecue. We just round up some friends and pull on a pig. Been doing it for untold years. No winner, no prize. We’re just that way: we hold with tradition.

As always, the Summer Solstice Double-Wide Parade And Free Paternity Test drew huge crowds, and settled several domestic disputes. The Creyer High School Marching Band, the “Tubers,” got everyone going with their “Lee Greenwood’s Greatest Hit” tribute. But stealing the show was the wildly popular Fork-Lift Precision Drill Team, sponsored again this year by Cecil’s Trough ‘N Lube.

Big Carl carted the Parade Queen, Dentitia “Eveready” Devereax, down the main paved road in his 415ci extended Crew Cab, a die-cast SOHC 5.7L reverse osmosis HEMI Magnum V-8 Splash with dueling overhead cameras, sautéed-steel bi-valve inserts, and the optional ‘All-Weather Abattoir’ custom bed liner. The parade did get stalled for a spell when somebody yelled, “Get a REAL truck!” and a fist-fight broke out between passionate Chevy and Ford owners.

America. You gotta love it.

In fact, here in my town, it’s the law.