Corporate morale in the new corporate America

=========

Dear Valued Internal Partners,

Good news! After intense negotiation at our recent working weekend in St. Croix, your Management Team is proud to announce an alternative financing solution to help us navigate the current economic crisis. And we want all of you to celebrate with us!

Thanks to Congress and our recently co-elected President of America and Europe, our company can now take advantage of the new bill known as CLASP (Comically Ludicrous American Spending Policy), a bill which all members of Congress agree was probably well-written.

CLASP will allow us to address our critical debt reduction needs in revolutionary new ways, enhanced by some solid, ancient advice offered by visitors from the Chinese company who have been spending a lot of time here lately.

So, to mark this historic first step into a bold, new, collective future, next week has been designated “Condescension Week!”

Here’s the schedule for the week. It’ll be fun!

Monday

Scavenger Hunt Day!

Look under the desk in your cube. Find the phone jack. Then, on Monday, wear something the same color as the bubble gum stalactite closest to the phone jack. But dress to impress, because the visitors from the Chinese company who have been spending a lot of time here lately will be stopping by to play Red Rover.

Each Valued Internal Partner will receive their own personal jelly bean with their own personal cube number stamped on, followed by a short discussion on calligraphy. Remember your cube number so you can participate!

If you need help locating your phone jack, please find a member of HelpDesk and interrupt whatever they’re doing at the moment. They’ll be wearing identical red caps and an unusually bitter expression.

Tuesday

Ancestor Appreciation Day!

Wear something the same color as your eyes. It’ll be fun!

Note to Middle Management: those are the two things in your head above your nose. You have one on each side of your nose, just to the north. One on each side. Wear something that same color. In other words, if your eyes are blue, wear something blue. Blue is a color. In other words, if you have blue eyes, put on some blue clothes, or have someone dress you in blue clothes. Again, your eyes are located just above your nose.

Each Valued Internal Partner will receive a bag of bread crumbs for this afternoon’s “Imperialist Fairy Tale Re-education” relay race. Or use the bread crumbs to feed the birds. Or save them for a rainy day, should you ever lose your job, fates forbid. As always, Valued Internal Partners, the choices are yours!

And don’t worry about any out-of-pocket expenses, either: the cost of the bread crumbs will be automatically deducted from your paycheck.

Note to Executive Management: call HelpDesk for further instructions on locating your eyes.

Wednesday

Visitor Day!

We’ll have a briskly busy day today, full of opportunities to bond with your fellow Valued Internal Partners, so please be on time. Plus, the visitors from the Chinese company who have been spending a lot of time here lately seem to have an odd affinity for that sort of discipline. We’re just saying.

8:15 am: For no particular reason, really, all Valued Internal Partners must stand, raise one arm, and shout “Renminbi!” It’ll be fun!

8:30 am: Terra-Cotta Soldier Sculpture Contest. Grand prize: a red cap emblazoned with our logo

10:00 am: Guest Seminar: An introduction to fasting and Tai Chi

2:00 pm: Potty break

2:03 pm: Guest Seminar: “Tibet: Making The Case For A Pristine Yak Sanctuary”

Thursday

People’s Land Reform Day!

We all have to do our part, and maybe you’re not fully utilizing all that space in your cube! Maybe we can fit two, even three Valued Internal Partners in there with you!

Note from HR to the Customer Service Department: Don’t read anything into this, as we would never dream of shoveling several of you guys into one cube, but please don’t wear too much perfume on People’s Land Reform Day. We’re just saying.

Friday

Spirit Day!

Capping a week of fun, team-building, your own personal rice cake, and a level of condescension beyond belief, take part in Spirit Day. Pick a Valued Internal Partner who was shoehorned into your cube on People’s Land Reform Day and kill them, so that they will become a spirit. It’ll be fun!

This afternoon, we’ll be joined by visitors from the Chinese company who have been spending a lot of time here lately, who will perform a very cute skit about “historical tactics that have been proven highly effective in population control.” Bring the whole family!

Saturday

Résumé Day!