The potential silliness of 15 more years of silliness
- Police “Bomb-Sniffing Robot” Initiative Set Back When Bronx Droid Attempts To De-Fuse Al Sharpton’s Hair
- South Carolina Secedes From Union; Southern California Recedes From Nevada
- Washington Watch Group Disclosure: Pork Projects In Next Congressional Budget To Exceed Actual Amount Of Money Existing On Earth; Senate Finance Committee Denies Claim, States They Never Read Any Such Thing
- Facebook Announces 10 Trillion Subscribers, Welcomes Bloggers From Next Galaxy; Non-Terrans Immediately Complain About New Facebook Layout
- Children File Noise Pollution Lawsuit Against Aging Parents; “They Call That Music?” Argues Spokesperson Barry Manilow IV
- Nielson Ratings Reveal: Top Show Still “Who Remembers A Millionaire?”
- Baby Conceived Naturally; Scientists At A Loss For Explanation; Pro-Choice Group Demands Toddler Publicly State Voting Preferences
- Previously Threatened Bay Area Marsh Mouse Now A Problem: Uncontrolled Breeding Now Threatening Crops, Livestock, Whales, Richard Gere
- Concerned Community Calls For Psychiatric Evaluation As Citizen Cited For Not Texting While Driving
- Stock Market Closes Slightly Lower As China Acquires Wall Street In Default Credit Swap
- Colossal Plans Underway For Unprecedented Fifth Inaugural Address By President Obama; Insiders Whisper Entire Ceremony To Be Conducted In French
- Chrysler Sticks To Time-Honored Basics And Announces Next Bankruptcy; Arranges To Be Purchased By Orlando Theme Park; Fiat Not Amused
- Construction Begins On Michigan vs. Quebec War Memorial As Detroit Radioactivity Level Falls To Acceptable Levels
- Desperate NOAA Management Announces New “Name That Storm” Lottery After Tough Season; Florida Still Digging Out From Hurricane Zebulon XIV
- Anonymous Mid-Level Executive Fired After Not Shifting Blame To Underlings; Economy Channel To Document Extraordinary Event
- Pope, Ex-Wife Settle Bitter Custody Dispute Battle; Sistine Chapel Will Be Missed, Mourn Both Of Earth’s Active Catholics
- North Korea Threatens New Missile Test Despite Harsh “Well, We’ll Just See About THAT, Mister” Threat By Sec-State Hillary Clinton
- MSNBC Flagging Ratings Embarrassment Complete When Peacock Logo Admits Switching Channel To Fox News; Fox NewsImmediately Breaks New Journalistic Ground By Announcing Two “Fox News Alerts” At The Same Time
- President Obama Confident Economic Turn-Around Just Around The Corner; Adds Entire Population Of Colorado To Civil Service Personnel Roles
- Despite Christmas Season Being Outlawed, Amazon.Com Confidently Predicts First-Ever Quarterly Profit
- Last Remaining Starbucks Bombed; FBI Discloses Promising Leads Pointing To Barnes & Noble Patron; Search Continues For Tattooed, Laptop-Carrying Undergrad Named “Biffy”
- Fleetwood Mac Announces Next Farewell Tour; Stevie Nicks Role To Be Portrayed By Sock Puppet
- New York Times Report: George W. Bush Responsible For 1845 Irish Potato Famine; Joe Biden Discloses Underground Location Of Potato Buds
- Innovative Care Dealer Unveils New Ad Offering Totally Free Cars; Customers Simply Pay $24,499 In Shipping & Handling; Purchase Includes Tomato Slicer
- Texas Legislature Scoffs At New Hate Crime Legislation, Executes Last Remaining Liberal
- Box Offices Not Kind To Die Hard Sequel: “For The Love Of Pete, Would You Please Die Already” Lags Well Behind New Disney Release, “The Trans-Sexual Parent Trap”
- All Monopoly Charges Dropped Following Microsoft Purchase Of Library Of Congress; Software Company Announces New “Oh, The Hell With It” PC That Explodes On Delivery
- US Post Office Announces Rate Increase; New Stamps To Require , Co-Signer, First Born
- Missing Tomb Of Geraldo Rivera Discovered By Geraldo Rivera; Aruba Quickly Points Out Tomb Is Not In Aruba
- Craig’s List Announces New “Mystery Date” Search Category For Southern Attorneys General
- Steroid Allegations Continue To Plague NFL Draft As Second-Round Pick Discovered To Have Four Legs And A Beak
- Nancy Pelosi Still Missing; Polls Show American Public Pretty Much Couldn’t Care Less
- Ballot Recount Continues As Comedian Al Franken’s Stone-Dead Corpse Vows To Maintain Fight For Contested Minnesota Senate Seat
- Cigarette Lobby Denies New Surgeon General Claim That Smoking Causes Surgeon General To Make New Anti-Smoking Claims
- Bill Clinton Still Embroiled In Nursing Home “Bifocal-Gate” Allegations; Tells Reporter “I Did Not Half Specs With That Woman”